OK, I didn’t want to write about this, but if you consider—like I do—writing to be a cathartic experience, it’s necessary so that it’s out of my brain and on a piece of paper. Unfortunately this will never go out of my brain because I’ll be reminded every day on Facebook no matter how many friends I unfollow or delete, because baby pics just keep coming like a plague of locusts or texts from a stalker.
IMPORTANT NOTE IF YOU HAVE A BABY: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BABY PICS EXCEPT FOR YOUR FAMILY AND EVEN THEN THEY PROBABLY DON’T CARE THAT MUCH.
I would refer you back to the previous paragraph and hope that you read it over and over again until it’s ingrained in your soul. If you’re the kind of person who hangs out at Yardbird and gets lots of ironic tattoos, I’d suggest you tattoo it on your arm. Remember it. Remember it until you die.
When I go on Facebook, I want funny links, interesting articles, pictures of girls on junk trips, or silly shots. Your bundle of joy’s first steps are probably a really great moment for you, mom and dad, but it just looks like an ugly blob stumbling around awkwardly and not falling down. If I want to see that, I’ll just go to a bar at 2am.
There is such a thing as a cute baby, but the chance that you have one is very low. Even more so, the chance that you’ll be able to objectively tell if your baby is cute or ugly is 0.0000 percent, rounding up. Babies are weird-looking and squishy and gross. If you hold one or are close to one in person, it’s amazing because they’re little versions of people and you’ll hear an inane story about how they poop, told with so much love that you’ll be forever confused—but online it’s like showing a picture of a troll. My dream is to take every FB baby pic I see and make memes that just say, “Troll took his first steps” and repost them with me Photoshopped in with a speech bubble that says “Troll,” but that’s probably too much work.
Actually, you probably shouldn’t post any pictures of your kids, except a tasteful Christmas card or family vacation photo. If you all wear matching clothes, that’s fine because we can take screenshots and email them around with tasteless memes added and I’ll Photoshop my face onto one of your kids. Thank you and I’m honored to be part of your family.
An even worse trend has emerged recently, and that’s the FB post of the baby right after it’s been born. This is HORRIBLE. There’s a reason that the delivery room is not full of your friends and family having a surprise birthday party, and the reason is this: it’s weird and gross. The miracle of life is beautiful and special for those involved in the making of said life; for the rest of us we’re like OMG TURN IT OFF.
“We are pleased to announce the birth of Baby McBabyson* on May 26, 2014” the FB post will read and show a dad looking like a chump in surgical scrubs, a pink-purple blob that’s a baby, and the mother, who looks really bad. Giving birth is freaking hard, right? It’s a huge ordeal and tons of labor and pain so afterwards, it’s normal for the new mom to be strung out and exhausted. If I posted an album called “Pictures of Me Just After Running 18 Miles” where I’m covered in sweat and in a daze and my face is all puffy you’d be like, why are you posting that? Same deal.
I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but beating children is illegal and you can’t beat their parents either, because you’ll subject the baby to the emotional abuse of seeing its parents beaten, turning it into an emotionally distressed troll.
*Made-up name. Chill out if your weird troll baby is named Baby McBabyson; it’s a coincidence.