This Is Why I Could Never Fall For You

Nicki Varkevisser
Nicki Varkevisser

Never is a strong word, isn’t it? It’s so definitive. A word of strong resolution.

To be honest, I didn’t feel as strongly a few weeks ago as I do now. I still thought that maybe there could be a chance of being friends. That normalcy was still somewhat on the cards. I was willing to overlook the fact that you had pored through my social accounts, invaded my only sacred space on the internet, and then told me about the things you picked up thinking they were about you.

To tell you the truth – and trust me I did but you didn’t seem to listen – I was left feeling vulnerable and disgusted that my personal and virtual space was being invaded by someone I didn’t want.

I chalked it up to you sleuthing around to find out more about me because I wasn’t letting up on my own. I wanted to understand, because if such a thing happened to me in the future, I’d hope that the other person could forgive me for not thinking about the consequences of such actions. And I admitted I wasn’t the easiest person to pry open at first. I even harbored the thought that the fault was with me.

And oh boy do I regret those thoughts now. Truth is, nobody’s at fault. But did you ever think that the reason why I didn’t open up, or didn’t want to, was because I was immensely uncomfortable? That I did not see you as someone I could trust with my emotions? And knowing you, you’d ask why. For fuck’s sake, you’re asking me why – after what you’ve been doing? To say I didn’t appreciate it would be a major understatement.

I’m not the person for you because I dislike the clinginess. Maybe because I’ve been alone for so long now, that having someone wanting to share the same space with me just puts me off. Or more likely is the fact that I haven’t found that person whom I want to move aside and make space for. I value my time alone and my independence, and one day I will find someone who will appreciate that about me and be confident enough to give me the space I need whilst taking that same time to pursue his own dreams.

At first I thought that it could be me and my fortress that cannot be breached. But I realize now that I don’t need to let down the bridge for anyone who gave up climbing up those walls and wanted an easy way in.

I’m not the person for you because I don’t get happy when you text me. It’s Sunday. I was minding my own business and now I am obliged to entertain you. I’m more offended because you assumed that I was free to listen. No. I’m not. I have a life away from you, if you did not understand that by now. And even when you do text, it’s unsubstantial small talk that I would not wish unto anyone else. I struggle between answering you and egging you on, or ignoring you completely.

You tell me that I don’t know what I want – even though I’ve told you so many times before I do.

You’re refusing to believe my words, my feelings, and tossing them aside for your assumptions. Just because I don’t reply doesn’t mean I’m angry, or annoyed at you. I do that to everyone. Why do you have to take it personally even though I told you clearly it’s not all about you. Do you realize how much of an asshole you’re being? I guess not, and I’m tired of trying to correct you. Because to you, nothing matters except your formed beliefs and presumptions of the other person. You think you’re right, and you know what? You can be right all you want by yourself. I’m done trying.

I might sound harsh, but you have not listened. I’m pulling at my hair trying to make you see but I don’t know why you can’t. So maybe this will. I will never, ever say yes to you.

Because I want to find the right person for me, and you are not him. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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