This Is What It Feels Like Starting A Life Without You

girl taking care of herself
Matthew Kane

When I started my life from scratch
After 1332 days of warmth
I woke up empty
And a cold wind was swirling in my chest.

My body was numb, my mind was numb and my heart was numb. I didn’t know who I am anymore. I was just caught between two borders without a visa. I couldn’t go back as it felt like prison and I couldn’t step forward as I was so scared of the unexpected.

But you pushed me and here I am, in a new world where no one looks at me with those devilish eyes, where no one hugs me with the same strength, no one wakes me up with improvised songs in the morning and no one makes me feel home anymore. And I start a new life with that no one. I feel like a stranger surrounded by strangers.

I sign up for yoga and salsa. I start meditating. I organize weekends of theatre, movies, walks and volunteering. I start a life without you and I dare to convince myself I can. I smile sometimes and even have sparks of hopes that this new foreign place is not as hostile as I first thought and I might enjoy this self-discovery. And everything seems fine till an impertinent thought of you barges in.

And I see you again saying how much you love me but it’s time for you to conquer the world. My half numb rational mind understands you but my other half numb heart is blaming you for the pain. And it starts all over again. I miss, hate, understand, blame, crave, get angry, cry, still admire you.

After this storm of mismatched feelings, the calmness is embracing me again and a new seed of β€œI will be fine” grows in me. I keep attending yoga and salsa and meet friends and feel half alive again. My acclimatization oscillates wildly in an unhurried pace without listening to my desperate cries for self-peace.

I just hope that when I come out of these terrible storms, one day, I will be strong enough to sail my ship alone and wave with a smile in case you cross my mind. TC mark

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