1. People on public transportation
There are just too many damn people about, certainly in the big cities. If you catch the subway, train or bus, you’ll know what I mean. Ever stood at a subway station that is completely vacated, and within seconds there are 50 people around you? I know I have. How about getting on a train at five in the morning and being surprised that you still have to stand? Why aren’t these people asleep? Surely they don’t work. Why can’t people just go away? I can’t be the only one that thinks so selfishly. Stay away, wait until I’ve made my journey, and then you can start using public transportation.
2) The “must-sit-downers”
While on the topic of public transportation, here’s another one. I’m not referring to the pregnant woman or the wobbly-kneed old lady that stands next to you on the bus. You know the one who looks like she’s going to break both her legs at the same time and shatter right in front of you unless she sits down? They have a right to want to sit down, and we’ll happily give them our seat, right? It’s the people that don’t need to sit down but will still squeeze their ass into the middle seat of a six-piece seating system on the train. Don’t you hate these fuckers?
I know it’s a seat, and they have a right to want to sit in it, but some of these jack knobs look like they’ve got the contents of their entire house with them. They try to squeeze their fat ass into the already partially covered middle seat (because the folks sitting on either side of that seat are also fat bastards). They have five bags and a suitcase and still try to get their laptop out and eat their breakfast. Here’s an idea: How about just leaving the seat empty? I know it’s a seat, but you don’t have to sit in it at any cost. It’s already half-covered, anyway.
If you’re a smoker, you’ll completely disagree with this one, but as a non-smoker, I have to say it. I fucking hate smokers. I hate the stench of cigarette smoke that looms around the train station when I’m exiting it. I hate going into any house or getting into any car that has recently had a smoker in it. I hate when somebody stands near me and lights up. I hate when somebody decides to exhale their sucked-in tobacco smoke just as I walk past them. I hate walking in and out of buildings, because you have to go through a cloud of smoke every time. Why can’t the smokers who work in that building move a few feet away from the revolving door?
A lot of smokers complain that they are unfairly targeted. They’ve already been banned from smoking inside, and now people get offended when they smoke near them. Yeah, well, deal with it! Your habit is disgusting, and it’s one that harms others. Before you say there is no definitive proof of that, even if there is a chance that second-hand smoke harms people, it should be enough. If I’m told there’s a gang roaming the streets that might attack me if I leave the house, I’m not taking the chance. It’s the same with smoking. I do not want to take the chance.
I find it pathetic that you can’t survive an hour without having to go outside and light up a cigarette. Next no-smoking day, I’m pulling a Cousin Sal from the Jimmy Kimmel show and going around town with a fire extinguisher.
4) Overly nice, always interested people
That’s right, nice people annoy me. Who’d have thought it? Well, it’s not really nice people that annoy me, it’s those overly nice, “always interested to hear what you have to say” people. The problem is they’re not genuine. They’re phony. Here are some things these people say that grate on me, because I know the person saying it doesn’t mean it.
How are you?
Are you all right?
Have a nice day.
Good to see you. (No it isn’t; stop lying.)
It was nice seeing you. (Was it? Then why did you pretend not to notice me at first?)
What did you get up to on the weekend?
What are you doing on the weekend?
How’s the family?
What have you got for lunch? (Uh…why does it matter?)
Some people call this being polite. I call it fake. If we were just honest and only said things when we meant them, life would be so much simpler. A little more brutal, yes, but simpler.
Is it possible for your car to get ass-fucked by another car? If it is, then the car I drive is attracting the wrong kind of attention, because I get the feeling every time I’m on the road that some vehicle is trying to fuck me up the ass. Before you ask: No, I don’t drive slowly—they drive too fast.
Doesn’t that piss you off when you’re doing the speed limit and the car behind you is trying to touch your bumper? It’s like a shitty undercover cop who doesn’t seem to understand that you aren’t supposed to know he’s following you.
Here’s a tip—whenever a car does this to you, slow right down. Then they have two choices. They can either sluggishly crawl behind you, or they can overtake you. Overtake! For crying out loud, overtake. Why don’t they ever overtake and always have to stay behind you to make the point that you’re going too slow?
6) Muslims who want to convert you
Yes, I know Christians and people of other religions do this, too, but so far I’ve only ever had it from Muslims. I know a Muslim worker colleague who’s a nice guy. I’d even call him a friend. One thing, though—he needs to understand that I am never … EVEEER … going to be a Muslim. I mean like, not ever. Not tomorrow, not in a month, not in a year, NEVER! Seriously, I can’t emphasize it enough.
I find some of the stuff he says interesting. It’s philosophically intriguing, but I just wish he wouldn’t quote the Quran to me 1,000 times a day and boast about how Muhammad is now the most popular male name in the UK.
No, not honkies, though some white folks can be annoying as hell. Honkers! By this I mean people who constantly honk their car horn. Stop overusing this function. In most cases, when something happens on the road and someone beeps their horn, it’s the innocent person on the sidewalk that ends up shitting themselves. Car horns sound much louder to pedestrians than to other drivers! The dude in the car who did something to piss the honker off probably didn’t even hear it.
8) Street charities
This one might sound selfish, but there’s too much of it going on. I can’t stop and give money to every charity worker that stands in the street with a bucket. When I walk through the shopping center, there are hundreds of them, right down the middle, about 50 yards apart. Sometimes they move from the center and try to catch you as you attempt to go around them. You have to zig-zag your way through them.
I’m not a bad person and I do give to charity. I just don’t feel like having to list the charities I have given to every time they stop me, then explain why I won’t be giving anything to them. Saying you don’t have your bankcard and can’t remember your details usually makes them go away.
One of these charity folks started a conversation with me by telling me that this wasn’t a scam. He pointed out a couple of policemen nearby and explained that he wouldn’t be so bold if this were a scam. All this made me think was, “Why would he be telling me this if it wasn’t a scam?” I’m skeptical like that. He said too much.
9) Big fat loud black women
I have nothing against black people. In fact, sometimes I get bored of my predictable white friends and feel like it’s time to do something with my black ones. (I do have them—just not as many.) But I don’t like big fat loud black women. They’re the ones who call you a racist because you pull them up for cutting in front of them in a line. They will eye-roll you and head-roll you if you argue with them in any way. Don’t you dare say something about them always trying to play the race card, either, or they will unload verbal diarrhea on you.
If you’re a shop owner, don’t ever refuse to give a fat black woman what she wants, or she will bring up slavery and talk about how her ancestors built the pipes to your shop.
By the way, if you’re black, you might not get the race card pulled on you, but I’m sure the big fat loud black woman will have something to reprimand you about.
10) Good-looking people
If you are one, fuck you!
One of the biggest lies ever told is that good-looking people have it harder in life, because they have to deal with way more temptations than goofy-looking fuckers. I’m sorry, that’s just crap. Oh yeah, those poor good-looking people. They get more sex, more chance of getting through a job interview, and better jobs in general. (For crying out loud, you can be a model. How hard is it to be a model?) Not only that, but people gravitate toward them (rather than avoiding them like the plague). If you’re devious and conniving enough, you can also strike it rich by using your good looks to marry into wealth. This means you get to live an awesome life.
Unfortunately it’s a sad fact that life isn’t fair, and much like really slim people don’t understand the troubles of being a fat person, good-looking people don’t know how hard it can be to look like something that belongs up a whale’s nose. They have the good life and don’t appreciate it. Either that or they know it and throw it in other people’s faces.
I can’t comment too much about how it works with women (because I’m not one), but guys are pigs. A guy would rather chat, socialize with, and even give a job to a boring big-breasted blonde bimbo than a slightly more average-looking fun, friendly, and intelligent girl.
Look, I don’t even consider myself that bad-looking. I mean, I’m no prize, but I’m not that unpleasant to look at. I’ve met and know a lot of really good-looking people, and unfortunately most of them know it and flaunt it. If you ever meet those rare stunning ones who generally don’t care how about their looks, you’re probably in a dream.