I was never the one you wanted. I was never someone you wanted to choose. I was not even an option to you.
You were too busy being hung up over your ex (ironically,you left her) and kept me on your puppet strings for 2 years while you figured your shit out.
The sad thing is that I let you. I let you treat me like I was an option when I knew I never was. I let you put me as a backup plan in case your ex ever comes back or if those other girls you were dating ever decides that they wanted to be yours.
In the beginning, you told me you were serious about me. A few weeks after you said you were afraid of commitment because you’ve been hurt before (Boo hoo,sob story). You still wanted to see me,you still wanted to date me but you weren’t ready for a relationship yet.
Fast forward a few months later, I simply asked you where this was headed. Because I don’t date for fun or to just pass the time. When I date someone, it’s because I genuinely think there is a possibility of a future together. And you still said you couldn’t commit just yet.
I walked away and told you that if and when you have figured it all out, to come find me. Not even a month later, you came back. Asking me out on dates, texting me all day etc. I thought this meant you had worked through your issues and figured things out. But I was wrong.
For your birthday, you said you didn’t like store bought gifts so I made your gifts from scratch.You joked about marrying me. That you would finally be part of my big and crazy family. We laughed because it seemed so possible at the time.
You would send me photos of your family or dishes you cooked, telling me you’ll cook for me. You gave me false hope when it was not your place to give any.
You were not the person I thought you were. You were not a person of hope and faith. You were my path of self destruction.
On the outside you ticked all the boxes.
Tall,successful,handsome,good family values and a good strong faith. But on the inside you were a mess. You had no right to pull me along for 2 years. You had no right to come back into my life when you knew you had nothing but pain to offer me. You had no right to give me false hope when deep down inside you knew that you didn’t feel the same way.
I was just someone convenient to you. Someone who bothered to listen to you about your day. Someone who entertained your lame jokes and crappy conversations. Someone who was willing to be there for you,as a friend or even something more.
You were never going to choose me. But today, I choose myself. I choose to put myself first before you. I choose to close my heart to you and close the door between us. I choose to love myself and not you. I choose sincerity over false hope. I deserve so much better than you.
If you don’t hear from me anymore and you’re reading this. This is my goodbye to you.