The Things You Don’t Think About When You Think About Having An Affair

  • Your waistline, because you end up eating some meals twice, like dinners, because both of them will want to eat dinner with you, and you will run out of reasons why you can’t.
  • Where to put your wedding ring, because the number of times you forget to take off your wedding ring will be directly proportional to how long you’ve been married, so you should have a place (I used the ashtray in my car, but you should use the spot that works best for you).
  • How difficult remembering two lives is, because remembering two lives is difficult (notice I said two lives, and not two lies, because …)
  • The weight of the lying, because the lies add up, and you end up not wanting to lie, because one of the people — your spouse or the person with whom you’re having the affair — begins to matter more, and to this person you want to be honest, but you have already lied, making coming clean and being honest difficult, if not impossible.
  • A lack of sleep, because trying to lead a full life with one person is hard enough, let alone adding a second person, because the only way to make two lives work is to somehow make more of the 24 hours we get in a day, which means you sleep less than you should.
  • Anger and frustration (see lack of sleep).
  • Wishing you could take back the lie, and maybe even the affair, but not knowing how to take back the lie, and maybe even the affair.
  • Where to keep any pictures you take of the person with whom you’re having the affair, especially if you share a computer, and a photo library, with the person to whom you’re married.
  • What to do with the gifts, if any, given to you by the person to whom you’re having the affair. (I passed some off as things I bought, and others off as things I won, and still others off as things I bought for the person to whom I was — and to whom I still am — married).
  • How not talking about this person to your friends makes you feel, which leads directly into
  • How not introducing this person to your friends makes this person feel, because you can only say so many times that your friends aren’t available before the person with whom you’re having an affair starts to wonder if you’re embarrassed or ashamed (clearly, this only matters with people by whom you’re neither embarrassed nor ashamed).
  • Forgetting, for a while, maybe for always, that the person with whom you’re having an affair may not be OK learning that he or she is the person with whom you’re having an affair.
  • Explaining why you can’t stay the night, or why you can’t stay more often than you can, because the person with whom you’re having an affair will probably want you to stay the night, and the person to whom you are married will wonder where you are on the nights you are not at home.
  • The aftermath, when one or both of the people with whom you’ve been enjoying a relationship, no longer want to talk to you, or, in some cases, know you.
  • The cost, since relationships are expensive, and two relationships are doubly expensive.
  • The guilt, if you’re prone to guilt, or the not-guilt, if you’re not prone to guilt. Not sure which is worse: the guilt, if you’re prone to guilt, or the not-guilt, if you’re not prone to guilt. TC mark

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  • broah cicero

    first

    relevant post in ‘these times’  of the great soap opera of 2K11

  • Rachel S.

    um…we all feel really bad for you?

    no. no we don’t. this is not an okay way to treat anyone, even though I guess everyone makes mistakes.

  • Megan

    Half of the problems would go away if you start an affair by telling the truth that you are married.

    • Len Yeh

      It wasn’t until halfway through when I realized the person he is having an affair with doesn’t know he’s married. 

      I’m really unclear about how that’s possible in this day and age. 

  • Anonymous

    I never really understood the guilt people having affairs experience. If having the affair makes you feel guilty, why are you still having the affair?

    Affairs are horribleness in general. I can’t really feel sorry or seriously consider the awkward “inconveniences” that being a cheater might cause someone.

    • Len Yeh

      Because you may be in love with two people. And society tells you that you can’t. Either way, you’re hurting someone. 

      In the end, you may just be hurting yourself no matter what happens.

      • Anonymous

        You may be in love with two people. That happens. I just think that when you enter into a marriage, you’re making a commitment that should be honored.

        I’ve never been a cheater. Mostly, because I figure that if I want to sleep with someone else that badly, I shouldn’t be in my current relationship.

      • Anonymous

        You may be in love with two people. That happens. I just think that when you enter into a marriage, you’re making a commitment that should be honored.

        I’ve never been a cheater. Mostly, because I figure that if I want to sleep with someone else that badly, I shouldn’t be in my current relationship.

    • Siouxsie

      I suppose it’s not much different from eating that extra slice of chocolate cake for desert even though you know very well that it ruins everything you have been working so hard for. A lot of it is about willpower. Or the lack of it.

  • Zuniga Eric

    First, be honest with the person you’re having an affair with.  No sense in destroying the emotional lives of two people at once.  And if you want to avoid being a complete ass-hat douchebag, tell the person you’re married to you’re not happy and either A) try to fix it or B) end it.  Be a f@#ing man and grow some balls.

    • Anonymous

      I agree.  Too many people have jumped on the “it’s complicated” and “shit happens” bandwagons.  This writer is not a real man, obviously.  Knots happen, too.  You don’t then go out and buy new shoelaces before at least  trying to untangle the old ones.  And if you can’t untangle the old ones, give them a fresh start elsewhere with someone less prone to making ridiculous knots.

  • ThemeQ

    fuck you.

  • Uh Huh

    To the authors defense, I don’t think he necessarily suggests that he’s a professional affair-participant. Perhaps these are observations of a person who’s actually in one?

    The realist in me agrees with this bullet: “The cost, since relationships are expensive, and two relationships are doubly expensive.” That sh*t could add up if you’re in that type of an affair.

    Moral of the story: Don’t have an affair.

  • Thoughtmanners

    I think the author managed to put in a very wry humor in it despite the fact that affairs are not in the least bit funny. I have to appreciate his syntax and wordplay though. An amusing read. Especially the waistline bit. That’s one point I didn’t come up with the moment I saw the title.

  • Kate

    i hope he used a penname… 

  • ---

    Wow, you’re sort of a scumbag. 

  • Anon

    I got curious about who the writer is, and perhaps this will explain context: http://hendersonhouseofcards.com/2011/10/11/out-comings/

    “I met the woman who would be my wife and mother of my children during my senior year in college.I had an affair last year with a man.I have two children, Avery and Aurora, which my wife and I conceived through in-vitro fertilization.I fully came out last year as a gay man, though this coming out had been a slippery slope that I started down when I was 10.”Brave writing.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Saw the title, assumed this was a post from you. Now wondering if I am a creep for having read everything you linked to response to a previous comment of mine.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    these posts are too heavy for TC. too heavy for my lunch break. too heavy for my <3. i am going to read some #ryanoconn

    :'(

  • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

    i feel a lot of empathy for your situation given that you are a gay man who was cheating on your wife. i’ve known a few people to go through this situation and i feel that it’s a much different and deeper issue than your standard straight person cheating in a marriage. from reading your blog you’ve obviously struggled with your choices and i hope that you are working your way towards feeling better, and of course, i hope that the victims that you created (your wife, your lover, your children) are able to move past the pain and realize that you were acting out from childhood abuse. peace and love to you all, sincerely.  

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    a very thorough list. cool

  • sam

    woah guys. he is clearly not advocating affairs, nor defending them, nor trivializing the amount of pain they cause. I believe that he emphasized the latter multiple times. this article is just a window; a perspective. get off your high horses– morality is not the focus here. 

  • Anonymous
  • Rebecca

    Seems to me like he’s got balls, contrary to what some of y’all are saying, to be so open about this heavy-ass stuff. And he’s a good writer.

  • fyeahc4

    Lots of Judgey McJudgeys here. No one here knows even 1/100ths of the real story.  As with all things in real life, it’s not that simple — and not that simple for anyone to judge or call people unnecessary playground names.

  • Anonymous
  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com/ Aja

    I refuse to judge a relationship that I am not intimately involved in, because it is not my right.  But this was a very good read. 

  • Jo

    I hope your wife found out and kicked you out since this is what u deserve. I can’t believe you’re even joking about the issue. Repulsing!!

    • Maggie

      He doesn’t seem to be joking…

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