You’re afraid to fall for him.
Because all of a sudden, you felt the butterflies in your stomach that you haven’t felt in a long time. The mere sight of him was enough to make your day, no matter how bad it had been. His smile engraved itself into the deepest crevice of your mind, warming you from the inside out.
Because you found yourself doing things you never thought you’d do: watching the movies he likes, figuring out his kind of humour, staying up late to write him hand-made letters. You found yourself constantly looking for ways to make him laugh because when his eyes wrinkled up and his nose scrunched at the sound of something funny – it made you feel calm, at peace. It made you happy, and it made your heart melt a little bit.
Because you admired his all of his talents and weird antics. His stoic-on-the-outside-but-soft-on-the-inside look. You loved how well he responded to your silly actions, his loud bursts of laughter and his teases.
You loved how he made you feel like it was okay to just be you.
Because talking to him made you feel at home. And somehow a teenie tiny part inside you hoped that maybe, just maybe he’d feel the same way.
But then you were afraid. The thought of ever opening up on this deep of an emotional level to someone else scared you. The vulnerability, the exposure, and the possible disappointment. You’ve been there. You, of all people, have learned how it feels. You know it all too well. You know rejection so well you could smell its scent miles away before it even stood at your front door. You know disappointment like that annoying friend who never failed to remind you how much of a sucker you are by bragging about how good she was all the time.
You know pain like it was a part of you. Because it has been.
You started to see yourself falling for him, but you hesitated. Because the boy you were falling for is the physical, metaphorical representation of all of the possible rejection, disappointment, and pain you could’ve felt, all over again.
He was a paradox, a walking personification of happiness and destruction. Truly falling for him meant giving him the right to possibly screw you up on the inside: good or bad. And you fully knew that.
Which is why you were scared. You were scared of him. You were scared of the things he might unconsciously do to you that could mess you up real bad, knowing that it’s entirely your fault for allowing that to happen.
You wanted him and yet you feared him.
Because he had the potential to either make you the happiest person in the world or turn you into the biggest mess you’ve ever been.
And you’re still not sure if it’s worth letting him in.