To The Toxic ‘Friend’ Who Couldn’t Stand By Me When Life Actually Got Hard

Maciej Serafinowicz
Maciej Serafinowicz

During my short lifetime of twenty-one years, I have become victim to many abusive relationships. Whether it was a constant cheating battle, being called a slut time after time by someone who claimed to love me, or being the “side chick” to a guy who actually had a full roster of girls including his long-time girlfriend, I told you it all. While I may not have divulged all the nitty-gritty details of my personal life, I shared enough to let you in on my most private insecurities.

Also during my short lifetime of twenty-one years, I became involved in an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. The constant race to get drunk that the college community participated in was not the ideal environment for someone with a long family history of alcoholism. I denied, denied, denied that I in fact had any sort of problem, as one with a problem does. Finally, after a couple years of denial and losses, I hit what I considered to be my rock bottom.

You took advantage of my weaknesses and in turn, capitalized on your desire to have control and power, easing your own insecurities.

I never really confided much to you, as I don’t ever confide much in anyone. However, I did consider you to be someone who wouldn’t judge me or my mistakes. I should have kept my vulnerabilities closer to heart than I did when it came to you. You told me that my issues had caused you major anxiety. You probably want me to apologize for putting you through such tragedies but my questions is – why are you internalizing my issues? Instead of offering any real kind of help, I was scrutinized and condescendingly told how I need to figure out my problems and change my attitude. As if it was that simple.

Realizing I was my only lifeline, I took a step back to make a solid lifestyle change. These changes included cutting out alcohol, not responding to the tempting booty calls from my honorable suitors, and the hardest of them all, going to therapy. I remember you telling me one time that you would always be there if I needed to talk to you about things going on with my family. I sure am glad I never took you up on that offer. My therapist can barely handle all the turbulence in my life, let alone a 22-year-old girl who gets annoyed whenever she has to move from her bed.

It’s only been three months since I made my lifestyle changes and I can honestly say, I feel great. I feel an overwhelming positivity that I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel more confident in myself and I’m more excited than ever to graduate and move on from this fake and superficial college world. But with that being said, there is a part of me that is still hurting. Don’t get it twisted, I made these changes for me and solely me, but I never thought through bettering myself that my friends would become even more distant.

When confronted about this, you say that you aren’t ready to hang out with me again. At first, I think this makes sense, seeing as I know I was a free falling disaster this past year. However, your argument becomes completely invalid once you scold me for not begging for your forgiveness after fainting at your birthday brunch and telling me I shouldn’t have had anything to do with the only genuine guy showing interest in me just because you decided you like him. “I mean I do feel bad,” you added, “seeing you alone because I know you have no one else.” Low blow. I’d rather be alone than have friends like you.

Something about coming home from the gym and seeing you with your soda and ice cream from Chik-fil-A gives me a strange sense of satisfaction. I enjoy having a productive Sunday while you lay in bed all day, only moving to get McDonald’s all-day breakfast, because you’re so hungover. Although some might say I’m weird for not partying my way through senior spring, I have grown in a way that you and many others haven’t. I have acknowledged my weaknesses and insecurities and faced them head on. I have plans and goals and motivation. You have insecurities and jealousy and unhappiness.

So I guess what I really want to say is thank you. Thank you for being the narcissistic, entitled, and extremely insecure individual you are. Thank you for making me feel isolated and alone. Thank you for never apologizing. Thank you for never accepting my apologies. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the chance to grow so drastically. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

My favorite pastimes include looking at million dollar apartments on StreetEasy, eating ice cream out of the container, and googling how to become a socialite. At the same damn time.

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