My Predictions For The 2012 Academy Awards

  • Host Billy Crystal will sing a song about The Artistset to Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence,” which will fade into another song called “Luck be a Lady with a Dragon Tattoo.” His monologue will include the joke, “War Horse was faster than Harvey Weinstein at a buffet.” There will be laughter and sustained applause.
  • In one of the tightest races of the evening, Elizabeth Taylor will beat Sidney Lumet in the category Most Applause In An ‘In Memoriam’ Montage. In her speech, she will thank her agent, “the big man upstairs,” and “my darling, Richard.” Lumet will insist to reporters that, “it’s an honor just to be nominated.”
  • This Ain’t The Flintstones: A XXX Parodywill be shut out of all the major categories, with the possible exceptions of Art Direction and Costume Design.
  • The show will go over-budget, and the final half-hour will be a re-run of the Golden Globe Awards. Nobody will notice.
  • Billy Crystal’s monologue will contain satanic messages if played backwards.
  • In a new category introduced to boost ratings, five elderly stars will compete for a chance to be sacrificed onstage and included in the evening’s ‘In Memoriam’ montage. In another tight race, Mickey Rooney will narrowly defeat Kirk Douglas.
  • Billy Crystal will once again perform his legendary Sammy Davis Jr. impersonation, complete with blackface. There will be sustained applause.
  • An Honorary Oscar for Lifetime Achievement will be awarded to Nick Swarsdon for his performance in Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. He will thank “the Hollywood dream factory, for letting me be a part of your dreams.” The sheer force of applause will deafen some of the Academy’s older members, and cause the upper balcony to collapse.
  • The winner of Best Short Documentary will reveal crucial information about where Al Qaeda plans to strike next. Entire nation will be taking a bathroom break.
  • In honor of The Artist, Lauren Bacall will present a montage celebrating great moments from silent cinema. Her Teleprompter script will include the passage, “When I started out in the silent days, Bogie and I used only our faces to reach the audiences’ hearts.” At least half of the clips will be colorized.
  • While presenting Best Score, Jake Gyllenhaal will read from the teleprompter that, “Music can transport us to another world — a world of cinematic dreams.” He will slit his own throat out of abject shame, causing a brief commercial break and reshuffling of some of the categories.
  • Every entertainment journalists across the country will coincidentally write the headline, “Will The Artistbe silent at the Oscars?” This will trigger a chain-reaction that will end all molecular movement in their bodies, causing death and devastation from coast to coast.
  • Jim Carrey will introduce a montage of “Oscar’s Wackiest Goofs, Gaffes and Blunders!” Will simply be a replay of the entire 1957 ceremony, when Around the World in Eighty Dayswon.
  • Halfway through, Billy Crystal will be replaced by Robin Williams. Nobody will notice.
  • F-cking. Oh. My. God. There will be soooo muuuuuch f-cking.
  • Best Picture will be a four-way race between The Descendants, The Artist, Midnight in Paris, and the trailer for The Three Stooges (2012). While the Stooges trailer will not win the big prize, Will Sasso will receive Best Actor for his turn as Curly, and Kate Upton will take Best Supporting Actress in a landslide for her performance as “Nun In A Bikini.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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