Things To Do Before Consummating Your Relationship

  • If you’re reading this article, you’re probably in your twenties, are finding your place in the workforce, and have begun entertaining thoughts of settling down with a family. Women like men who possess foresight, and are serious about the future. Sometime between picking your partner up at her house and arriving at a restaurant for dinner, be sure to demonstrate your forward-thinking disposition by mentioning, “I’m definitely going to see your boobs tonight.”
  • Because Wednesday is colloquially known as “Hump-day,” be sure to schedule consummation for this important date. Let it be known upfront that this was intentional.
  • More than anything, women want respect, and want to know that they’re special to you. During dinner, list each of your previous crushes, dates, relationships, and one-night-stands, meticulously explaining why your current partner is better than them. Women also look for patience and commitment, so be sure not to leave out any detail.
  • Women are interested in men with a sense of humor. Relieve the tension by looking at the menu and saying, “Geez, if I’d known how much this would cost, I’d have just gone on Adult Friend Finder!” Be sure to laugh heartily.
  • Create an atmosphere conducive to consummation through subtle means. Look for ways to insert the phrases “Endless rod,” “Giant wang,” and “Get a load of the size of my Johnson” into the conversation.
  • Hygiene is important. Make sure you’ve showered at least once within the previous fortnight.
  • To further demonstrate your sense of humor, and to evoke a relaxed and upbeat chemistry between you and your partner, consider only one entertainment option: Johnny English Reborn. Mentioning that you’ve “already seen this one a few times” should solidify your appearance as a fun-loving fellow.
  • Upon arriving home, it is important to set the right ambience. The music choice of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by the Tokens should help seal the proverbial deal. Make it clear that from this moment forward, this will be “our song.”
  • It is important to demonstrate that you have a generous and charitable spirit. That’s why there is no need to tell your roommate’s unemployed friend to crash on somebody else’s couch for the night.
  • Be sure to have bought a bottle of wine, and perhaps some light snacks, to share with your partner. To relieve tension, say, “This has clearly been a pretty expensive evening for me!” Laugh heartily.
  • Women want to be with interesting men who think outside the box.  Your Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace bedsheets will communicate that you have an “out of this world” imagination.
  • As you retire to the boudoir, it is highly important to maintain the romantic atmosphere. Refer to your bedroom only as “my love den.” Insist that your partner also use this term.
  • Now would be the time to throw your laundry in the hamper.
  • Come equipped with lab coat, stethoscope, and g-string. At the appropriate moment, do not forget to say, “I heard you were paging Doctor Love.”
  • When it comes to consummating your relationship, there is only one objective truth: leather pants. TC mark
image – Derek Gavey


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  • Emma

    Lion-themed music generally is a go, really. In preparing your contraceptive devices, make sure to play Scar’s song.

    • Anonymous

      Seriously, I’d totally go with “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” but it would have to be the abbreviated  Timon and Puumba version.

  • guest91

    Or alternatively, I could be reading it because it was fucking posted on thought catalog?

    • Tom Smith

      What do you think the demographic of Thought Catalog readers is, roughly?

    • Anonymous

      I expected more. HAHA. WHOOPS.

    • kaylee

      hence, “probably”

  • P:

    Brilliant. Is it worrying however, that i now really want to try out the first dot point with some subtle variations – would be hilarious.

    • anonymous

      Do that, or ANY variation, and you won’t make it to dot #2.
      Fun being a sexist, isn’t it? 

      • Will

        Retraction: It has come to our attention that none of this advice in this article will be effective. Thought Catalog regrets the error.

      • Asdf

        Yes. Yes, it is.

      • NoSexCity

        Having fun > being painfully PC at all times.

  • Anonymous

    Prince > Lion Music

  • Emily

    Thanks for finally figuring out a way to use the phrase “Endless rod” in an article. 

  • Kai

    Everyone always forgets the stethoscope.

  • emev

    I would definitely go for Star Wars sheets, truthfully.

  • Lindsay Christine

    “Hygiene is important. Make sure you’ve showered at least once within the previous fortnight.”I hate a dirty dinky.

  • Waicool

    don’t forget to hide your meds, exposing your herpes “situation” is such a buzzkill.

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