1. Moe Howard
When Moe Howard first heard he topped our annual list of the sexiest hunks in all of Stoogedome, he thought we were playing a prank. “Oh, a wiseguy, eh? Why I oughta….!” he exclaimed while attempting to strike our editors with a monkey wrench. With a hot temper and hotter body, this hard-nosed he-man wears his heart on his chest and his passions on his sleeve. “I’ll murder you!” he yelled at us, chasing us from his apartment with a seltzer bottle and an axe. The true brains of the Three Stooges, he’s a tough leader who knows how to take charge — with both his friends and definitely his lovers. And don’t let his membership in the Woman Hater’s Club fool you: for every time he calls you a “nitwit” or a “porcupine,” you’ll know he’s really saying, “I love you.” He’s the bad boy you just want to tame!
2. Curly Howard
Just how does it feel to be named one of the Sexiest Stooges Alive? “I’m a victim of circumstance!” claims Howard, the roly-poly playboy of the Stooge circuit. With a sunny outlook and a willingness to take things as they come (even if those things are sledgehammers, cream pies, and comically oversized mallets), this torrent of energy is the freewheelingest fun-lover this side of Falstaff, and while he may lack a formal education (“I’m tryin’ to think, but nothin’ happens”), he still has a firm head on his shoulders (it usually bends the buzz saws and screwdrivers that Moe throws at it). Still at the peak of his bachelor years, Howard laughs off marriage rumors for now: “N’yuck n’yuck n’yuck! WOOOOOB-WOOOoob-WOOoob-Woooob-wooob-woob….”
3. Larry Fine
“I’m waiting for Moe to come out and tell me I’m dreaming!” quips Larry Fine about making our annual list for the first time. “And also to tell me I’m a knucklehead, and then to rip out a clump of my hair with his bare hands.” Austere, dependable, and solid as a rock, Larry is the sweet-natured Stooge you can take home to mom. Sure, he may not have the raw charisma of his hunky co-Stooges, but this is one case where stable equals sexy, and “Larry Fine” equals “VERY Fine.” As the old saying goes, “I’d sleep with Moe… but I’d marry Larry!”
4. Shemp Howard
Speaking of marriage material, Shemp Howard is commitment personified: this hunka-hunka burnin’ Howard is the Stooge with sweetness in his soul and wedding bells on the brain. With his classy tuxedos, pomade-slicked coiffure, and gentlemanly aura, this is one Stooge who knows how make a girl feel special. “When Shemp pours on the charm, no dame can resist!” confirms close friend Larry Fine, who notes that Shemp is the most romantic of the Stooges. But don’t get your hopes up, ladies: after a string of high-profile relationships (all of which ended with his head almost crushed in a vice), sources say that Shemp might soon take the final plunge into matrimony. When asked for comment, Shemp twitched, snorted, and went “HEEEEP-Heep-heep!” until Moe poked him in the eyes.
5. Curly Joe DeRita
Your affair with Curly Howard came to an abrupt halt, and you want to show him what he’s missing? At 350+ pounds, there’s certainly a lot more to love with Curly Joe DeRita, the plus-sized Stooge who puts the “flab” in “f(l)abulous,” and the “XXL” in “seXX(L)y.” Cynics might scoff that he’s just a watered-down Curly, but Curly Joe is mellow, soft-spoken, and willing to roll with the punches (or mallets to the head), and after you’ve spent a few years playing the Stooge field, sometimes that’s enough. “Heeey, take it easy, buddy boy,” says Curly Joe, comically waving his two plump fists in the air. “That’s my catchphrase, by the way. It’s good, isn’t it? Personally, I think it’s better than some of Curly’s catchphrases. Or at least as good, I think.”
6. Joe Besser
When it comes to sex appeal, modesty can certainly be a virtue. “Who am I again?” cracked portly Prince Charming Joe Besser when he heard he made our annual list, and the joking didn’t stop there. “No, really, the name ‘Joe Besser’ rings absolutely no bell,” he continued. “Was I the one with the greasy hair who said ‘Heep-heep-heep!’ a lot?” While Joe Besser may not have the rugged masculinity of Moe, the dapper refinement of Shemp, or even the easygoing charm of Curly Joe, his dry wit exceeds them all. “No, really, I’m not kidding, I have absolutely no idea who I am. Could you please remind me?” he explains. Asked for any words of wisdom for his admirers, Besser replies, “Hang on…. was I Curly Joe?”