A Partial List of Things I Will Do If I Become A Trillionaire

Purchase dump truck. Fill with hundred-dollar bills. Empty contents on front lawn.

Buy Porsche with ejector seats. Drive off Grand Canyon with parachute. Repeat.

Hire English butler. Preferably Michael Caine.

Hire Rolling Stones as alarm clock. Have them play “Start Me Up” every morning.

Buy wing at the Louvre. Fill with self-portraits.

Produce and distribute compilation album, Will Sloan Hums the Hits of Sinatra. Fund $300 million print, television, and billboard advertising campaign.

Buy two hours of TV airtime after the Superbowl. Reunite cast and crew of the 1999 Ron Howard/Matthew McConaughey comedy EDtv for program called EDtv Memories. Force Ron Howard to begin with, “When we first starting shooting EDtv, we had no idea of the massive cultural phenomenon it would become.”

Buy a small nation. Rename it “Will’s Swingin’ Bachelor Pad.”

Hire Emeril Lagasse as personal chef. Make him say “Bam! Kick it up a notch!” after every meal. Laugh hysterically.

Find out how much it will take Jerry Lewis to release The Day the Clown Cried. Pay it.

Hire architectural team to build a taco so big even God couldn’t eat it. Hold theological conference to determine its validity.

Build exciting new theme park, Disneyland: Will’s Backyard.

Produce and distribute sequel to 1993 Bob Hoskins/John Leguizamo film Super Mario Bros. Pick up directly after cliffhanger ending of original. Provide no explanation for why Hoskins and Leguizamo have aged 18 years. Release in 5,000 theaters on July 4.

Go on Wheel of Fortune. Light cigar with wad of hundred-dollar bills.

Donate $100 million to Harvard for construction of 500,000-square-foot “Harvard Center for EDtv Studies.” Hire Ron Howard, Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, Jenna Elfman, and Elizabeth Hurley as full-time staff. Construct statue on front steps of Matthew McConaughey and myself galloping on a horse.

Help United States pay off debt. (Maybe)

Buy a star.

Put long-held all-it-takes-to-be-Batman-is-a-lot-of-money theory to the test. TC mark

image – Daniel Borman


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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    what’s the point of this? post-irene irony?

    • hannah

      it’s just a joke-y article.  sheesh.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        so is your name, palindrome. 

    • Tim

      You’re always drinking the hater-aid. Apparently none of the articles on here pique your interests, so why even come on TC? With you’re sense of humor you should be checking out CNN.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Thanks for pointing out that I’m a pessimist; that I am an irate person who thinks everything in the world is against me. Tim, my boy, you’re wrong – and I used “you’re” correctly. Jumping on the “let’s point fingers at people who think some articles suck” bandwagon without checking to see if your vapid statement is, in fact, a fallacy makes you sound like a dipshit. Oh, did I hurt your feelings, anonymous?

  • Miss Crispy

    Dear Will Sloan,

    I had root canal done an hour ago and have been snorkeling around my apartment in self-pity. You have brought a smile to my anesthetized face (and possibly made me resemble a stroke victim). Cheers for that. Much appreciated. 

  • Anonymous

    Let me know how the Batman theory tests out!

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Hire architectural team to build a taco so big even God couldn’t eat it. Hold theological conference to determine its validity.

  • Guest

    this is good. i approve of this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I thought this was kind of lame,
    until I read the last sentence.

    Then I was like, “Nevermind, this is awesome.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Fuckin epic man. But I bet you I could eat that taco.

  • i <3 ryan

    1. hire world class ninja assasins
    2. have them abduct Ryan O’ connell
    3. buy very expensive liquor,  marijuana and a volcano vaporizer
    4. bring it all together at my new island paradise and mansion
    5. have a sexy good-time

  • Lee

    You forgot ‘become byproduct of mainstream american environment’. lol i feel like the kid from “blank check” did like half that BS…and didn’t need to give random faded celebs shout outs.

  • http://twitter.com/RyaninAustralia Ryan Culliver

    EDtv was an amazing movie. 

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