I'm Getting Coffee With My Ex This Afternoon. No Big Deal.

I’m getting coffee with my ex this afternoon. I think we’re being very mature about it. I mean, for the most part our break-up was relatively amicable, and it’s been two months, so I think we both have enough distance from it that we can be friends. I always think it’s important to try to stay friends with exes. Just because you’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean you don’t still care about each other, right? And anyway, she has a new boyfriend, so it’s not like there’ll be too much lingering tension. Actually, she got with him pretty quickly after we broke up. Extremely soon. He’s not exactly what I would call a “catch,” but I don’t want to sound petty, because she seems happy, and that’s great. I’m really glad she’s happy.

Ah, here she is. Hey! Nice to see you! You look great, that’s a nice summer dress, where did you get it? Wow, don’t look at the cleavage, damn, just looked at the cleavage, don’t do it again, no, I haven’t been waiting long, just about five minutes. Do you want to sit here, or on the patio? Sure, I’m good with the patio. Here, let’s sit here, under the shade.

God, I want to have sex with her. No, don’t think that.

Jeez, the weather has been absolutely beautiful, hasn’t it? Not too hot, just right. I remember it rained all through April, like, every single day. Of course I remember, we used to walk to each other’s houses in the rain all the time, and then get out of those wet clothes and cuddle, oh, you heard it’s going to rain tomorrow? Damn, that’s annoying, I still haven’t bought an umbrella. Maybe I should go out and buy one today, I lose nothing except umbrellas, and those I lose constantly, ha ha ha.

Hm.

So, have you been following the election? God, can you believe this Michelle Bachmann? I mean, it’s absolutely astonishing that she’s being taken seriously. Yeah, I know, crazy, the whole Republican field is just crazy. I mean, honestly, I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather have Bush back than any of these people. It’s like, when Mitt Romney is the sensible one, you know it’s trouble. Oh yes, I know. Any of them can win. I dunno, I hope Obama can figure out something with the economy in the next year. Ha, that’s funny, yeah, maybe he could re-kill Bin Laden just before the election, ha ha. Yeah, we’ll see. It’ll be an interesting election, that’s for sure.

Huh, that’s interesting – I just realized she’s seen me naked.

Oh, things are pretty good with me. Same old, same old. I’m still doing the internship, hope it will lead to something bigger in a few months. Ha, no, no girlfriend just yet, ha ha, well, we’ll see. I dunno, it’s kind of interesting being single again, y’know. Oh no, no, I didn’t mean that in a bad way against you, of course not, ha ha, no, just, y’know, self-reliance is always important, and such. Yeah, everything’s good, Jesus Christ I miss you so much, no complaints.

How’s your coffee? Yeah, you made the right choice, I probably should have got the iced coffee instead of the hot. What with it being July and all. Yeah, sort of an automatic instinct to get the hot coffee instead of the iced. Remember that time I ordered an Americano at 11pm? Ha, yeah, I was up all night.

Hm.

So, how’re things with Tom? Oh, you’re meeting him later today? Oh that’s nice, any plans? Probably having a lot of sex I bet. Oh, seeing the Woody Allen movie? I’ve heard good things about that it. Well, we always did like Woody Allen, so I’m sure you’ll have fun. No, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve been meaning to, people have told me it’s one of his better recent ones. And I’m sure you’ll have a lot of sex after, no, don’t think like that, in all sorts of creative positions, no, don’t think like that.

Yes, I have met Tom. Remember? At your birthday party. Yeah, he does seem like a good guy. We didn’t really have a chance to talk very long, but he was very funny, and I bet he has a really tiny penis I hate him I hate him I hate him. Oh, you met his parents yesterday? Well, that’s quite a big step what a pathetic idiot I can’t believe you’d get with him look at his stupid stubble beard can’t he grow a real beard like an adult? Yeah, for sure, you should definitely bring him along sometime, I’d love to get to know him better. Ha ha, yeah, a double-date would be great, you patronizing harlot how could you say a thing like that to me, yeah, that would definitely be a good idea, we’ll arrange that.

Oh, you have to go? Yeah, I should probably get going too, I have a bunch of errands to run today. I should definitely resist the temptation to ask if we can have sex. Yeah, this was really fun, oh hell I’m going to ask to have sex, it was great to see you again, okay, I’m going to ask her for sex. I’ll call you. Bye! I didn’t ask for sex.

Well, that was really nice. God. I wish I’d had sex with her. I’m glad to see her so happy. Hm. TC mark

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  • Anonymous

    this was perfect and honest and amazing.

  • LaurenK

    This reminds me of one of those “what guys really think when…” features in a women’s magazine. That being said, I thought it was compelling and funny.

  • Jordan

    Well done, nice build

  • http://www.alexandrahoey.com Alexandra

    Hilarious and witty.  It’s always what’s unspoken that’s the most true.

  • Adam

    absolutely brilliant, bravo

  • Kodi

    Could not be more accurate. 

  • Gerald

    Very well written

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Dude, really really good. So good!

  • J in DC

    excellent article …

  • guest

    KILLED IT!

  • http://twitter.com/zeolitefuhrman Zeolite Fuhrman

    hey, I really like you!

  • spinflux

    They’re exes for a reason. I’ll go for coffee with someone else, thanks.

  • scin

    reminds me of this poem/video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5y1cij_0jw
    except less surreal…..slightly

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=553623063 Deb Hwan

    This is  h i l a r i o u s! Love it!!!!

    • TO

      w h o k i l l

  • Anonymous

    The perfect internal monologue.

  • http://twitter.com/becbyers Rebecca Byers

    Wow. Get out of my brain. Right down to the Woody Allen movie discussing… so accurate. Awesome writing as well, of course.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

    Hahaha. Really actually LOLing at the moment. You hit the nail on the head with this article.

  • Manda

    so refreshing to read.  love your words.

  • margot_tenenbaum

    does my ex-boyfriend think all of this when we see each other? GOD i hope so. 

    last time we saw each other at a party, he shook my hand. perhaps that was code for ‘i’m picturing you naked right now.’ 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeffrey-Moore/677652869 Jeffrey Moore

    That was just about perfect, except I awkwardly make a “we should do it joke”.

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    first paragraph might not have been necessary.

    but otherwise, SHIT, i loved it. damn.

  • meredith

     Jesus. This is painfully accurate. I just broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago, and although callous, I don’t miss the person so much as the intimacy. I miss being physical.

    • meredith

      P.S. YOU’RE REALLY ATTRACTIVE. I’ll totally be your girlfriend.

  • myka mallillin

    Brilliant. Even if I’m a girl. I can totally relate!

  • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    Gold star, LOLed every step of the way.

  • ASH

    YOU are a writer.

    • ASH

      case you didn’t know ;)

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