An Interview with God

Innovator. Visionary. Mentor. Moral authority. Creator. Yes, God is all these things and more, but there is one role the six-thousand-year-old superstar has never assumed: raconteur. When I first heard that I would be interviewing the Lord, my feelings were mixed. Sure, I was a fan of His work: He did a fine job creating the universe, and His idea to invent light was particularly inspired. But the responsibility of interviewing someone as distinguished and revered as the Almighty was a daunting one. How could I possibly do justice to a figure as mysterious and elusive as this living legend?

I needn’t have worried. Over a lunch of wine and communion wafers at St. Gregory’s Catholic Church, the always-controversial “Man Upstairs” finally set the record straight as only He could, opening up about the current political landscape in his most candid, illuminating, and comprehensive interview in years.

WILL: God, what can I say? You’ve always been a superstar, but it seems like your profile just gets higher every year! And now, with the rising Tea Party movement, the presidential candidacy of Michele Bachmann, and the ever-popular act of using your name in vain, your star power is showing no sign of fading! My first question is, what are your thoughts on Governor Rick Perry? He recently told the press that he had felt you had called him to run for office.

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Or are you an Obama supporter?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Certainly Mitt Romney cannot be underestimated as a challenge in the coming election. What are your thoughts on his religious beliefs? Do you think a Mormon could be elected President? And, for that matter, was there any truth to Joseph Smith’s claims?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Well, I can understand that you’d want to remain politically neutral. That said, I think we can agree that the negotiations between the Democrats and Republicans over the debt has been both fascinating and nerve-wracking.

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: And, I mean, Jesus, your alleged son, has sometimes been accused of being a socialist, so I’ll bet he’s been following Obama’s tenure with great interest!

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Sorry, that was a cheap shot. Anyway, you obviously have much greater knowledge of politics than I do. I mean, you’ve been following them for… millions of years? Billions?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Oh, whoops, I forgot that the world is only six thousand years old. Sorry about the slip-up.

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: I suppose we should move on. What are your thoughts on the separation of church and state? With the increasing influence of fundamentalist Christianity in politics, it’s a bigger issue than ever.

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Well, maybe we should get into specifics. Do you think, for example, that we should have prayer in school? And should intelligent design be taught alongside evolution?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: I can sense you’re a bit uncomfortable with these topics. Perhaps we should move on. What do you think of Pope Benedict? He has drawn controversy for his conservative leanings.

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Well, I’m sure he’s a nice guy if you get to know him. Here’s a nitpicky question: isn’t “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife” just the same as “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” except much less reasonable?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Well, I’ve never been a biblical literalist. Let’s tackle a smaller issue. Latin mass: yea or nay?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Okay, sure, apples and oranges. Here’s a biggie: what is your stance on abortion?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Stem cell research?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Same-sex marriage?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Birth control?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: The AIDS epidemic, and how we can combat it?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: How can you allow so much pain and devastation?

GOD: [Silence]

WILL: Would you at least admit that Michele Bachmann is a wacko?

GOD: [Thunder, lightning, torrential rain] TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://michaelynch.com Michael Lynch

    I very much enjoyed this. I thought it was creative and meaningful.

  • Liz

    this is so good.

  • Liz

    this is so good.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    God just LOLed in heaven.

  • Hermione Stranger

    This is now one of my favorite Thought Catalog articles. 

  • Via

    Amazing and hilarious!

  • Anonymous

    “4. We’re nobrow and nonpartisan…”

  • Kate

    I enjoyed this! One of the better articles on here lately..

  • Jrein93

    This is perfection.

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    when I talk to god he just tells me to burn stuff

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    #laughter

  • Quarterlifelady

    Maybe if Will Sloan would be quiet and REALLY listen for God, he’d be able to hear Him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1135492806 Ischra Centeno

    This I loved.

  • Barry

    Will this still be so funny when we die and go to judgement with God?

    • Larry

      yes

  • Guest

    I interviewed a normatively-percieved-Judeo-Christian-deity** 

    Fixed for ya ;-)

  • Guest

    pretty sure i just fell in love with you

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/David-G-Shields/100001899310999 David G. Shields

    With or without religion you would have good people doing good things, and bad people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, well that takes religion.
    Great artical Will

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1712117106 Jocelyn 'Cherry Bomb' Duncan

    This made my morning. Good job.

  • TO

    awesome

  • http://leydicu.wordpress.com leydicu

    Reblogged this on leydicu and commented:
    nice…nice..

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