We work so, so, so hard for the answers about how to find love. It’s pretty pathetic, frankly. We read articles, we put up with Tinder, we read even worse articles, we ask friends for advice, and then we stoop all the way down to reading Cosmo articles all in an effort to try to figure this love thing out.
So a lot us are going to feel like real fuckin’ idiots when we realize that the most important lesson we could learn about finding love was right under our noses the whole time. It’s the same boring, cliche advice your friends always give you, and you always ignore. You’ve heard it a billion times in your life.
“Just be yourself.”
I know, I know.
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Bullshit. I’ve tried that, and the world hates ‘myself.'”
We reject the “just be yourself” notion in part because we have this fear that if we do reveal our actual interests in D&D and anime, the girl at the bar will yell, “PREDATOR!” and run away.
So instead, we put on a facade. We pretend like we’re confident, beautiful, and like we studied abroad in Paraguay so that more people will like us — or at least reject the fake version of us instead of the real one.
And who could blame us? The fact is that for the most part, we don’t attract many people by being ourselves, because 90+% of us aren’t conventionally attractive.
We might be okay to look at, or have a good personality underneath. But most of us aren’t immediately charming, eye-poppingly gorgeous creatures that the world immediately wants to fuck.
So here’s what happens. Everyone gives the “be yourself” thing a try at some point. And then they go 0 for 10 at a couple bars, or 0 for 100 on Tinder, and they think, “Well this was stupid. I’m going to go back to being a photoshopping attention whore/a hermit who doesn’t even try/a big cheeseball douche so I can get back to crushing some puss.”
Then we continue doing that, because frankly, even though you should totally hate yourself for doing it, the facade does tend to get more people interested in you.
This is what pickup artist books, and the most convoluted makeup tutorials are based on. Change who you are, or your appearance, in order to be more like the rough idea of what everyone wants to fuck, and more people will want to fuck you.
When this works, it’s tempting to say, “Oh my God, it’s working! I’ll never be me again!”
And yes, you’re right. If you’re simply looking to get a bunch of people interested in you, then sure. Contour your face to look like a Kardashian (Well, maybe not Rob.), “neg” women, dress in sexy clothes even if they aren’t you, and put on a completely fake confidence that will trick some idiot into rubbing their thing on your thing until you both excrete your own little ink.
But if you’re looking for anything at all meaningful — at all in the same area code as love — then the facade remains a terrible, terrible idea.
One of the most common myths about being yourself is that you should do it because “you’re perfect the way you are.”
HAHAHAHA. What? Fuck no, you’re not. Are you kidding me? Look at you, and look at your life. Look at the stupid bullshit you get passionate about. Look at your face. Look at the way you eat broccoli. You are not perfect the way you are. You are absolutely infested with flaws, my friend.
The reason to be yourself is not because anyone will “see how perfect you are.” It’s because someone will like the good parts of you enough to outweigh your grotesque flaw infestation.
That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Well here’s the part that sucks: that’s just someone. Most people will still be completely uninterested in the real you. That potential “one special person” for you is realistically 0.2-2% of the population, tops (depending on what your face looks like).
But that’s okay.
The point of being yourself is not to attract a large swath of the population. The point of being yourself is to allow the rare person that will actually be into you — TO ACTUALLY BE INTO YOU.
Finding someone who is into the “ideal you” (i.e. your bullshit self) is a total waste of time, because you’re often not your ideal you. You need to find someone who loves the sniveling idiot you really are.
If you’re you, and the other person really likes that, that’s most of the game right there, folks. If you put on a facade to make them attracted to you, all that will happen is a bunch of people will get the hots for a part that you’re playing, and that won’t last because you’re not Daniel Day-Lewis. You can’t stay in character forever.
So fuck your facades. They have to actually see you bumbling, being unsure, and enjoying the dumb shit that you enjoy. They have to see you struggling to park your car, and getting way too into pro sports, and eating string cheese like a hot dog. They have to see you as the miserable weirdo you are.
Being yourself doesn’t attract tons of people. It only attracts the right ones.
Now this also means that you won’t get a lot of immediate satisfaction. You will put up with a lot of people who straight up aren’t interested (because again, look at you). That’s okay. That’s going to happen. Keep pushing, keep trying, and don’t give up on the idea that you — flaw-infested and all — can be loved.
But still, make yourself better.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek to actually be a better version of yourself. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look into why you’re not confident, and try to work on that. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address any faults you have that might be repelling people (Here’s a freebie: Stop quoting movies. It’s never funny when you do it).
Fixing these faults is worth your time and energy. You should be motivated to actually be a better, more confident, more accomplished human being, and if a sex partner is what drives you towards that, then use it. Push yourself to be better every day. Keep running after that pussy at the end of the tunnel.
But in general, be whoever you are at that moment. Don’t sell yourself to anyone. Don’t emphasize what’s great about you and ignore your garbage. Mention all of the dumb shit you like and hope that somebody else out there also likes to dress their cat up like Hitler and have World War 2 tea parties (or whatever you’re into).
You’ll probably swing and miss a lot when you do this, but who cares? Being a percentage hitter in love is stupid, and hollow, and will lead you nowhere.
Unless you’re a polygamist, there’s nobody else on your team in love, so the only way to score is to go for a home run, and the only way to do that is to swing as hard as you can (also, in both cases, steroids often help).