It’s Saturday morning. Okay, it’s Saturday afternoon. Like, 1:45pm. You roll out of bed, wake up your roommate and that dude who passed out on your couch last night and say, “Let’s get brunch!” They mumble incoherent things like, “Where?” and “I think the J train is down,” and “I’m poor.”
The most difficult question of the late morning has yet to be answered: what KIND of brunch do we want? Fear not, New Yorkers. Here are the 10 different kinds of brunches you can attend this weekend.
10. The Hangover Brunch
Don’t worry about a dress code. Slap on some mis-matched flip-flops, perch your sunglasses precariously on your nose, and maybe think about brushing your teeth. Okay, wait, no. Don’t do that. You’ll puke. Just chew some gum or something. Stumble outside. Too bright. Back inside. Text your girlfriends, “Omg last night was cray. Bagels?” Literally anywhere that serves carbs, bacon grease, and the hair of the dog will do. Show up late. Don’t apologize.
9. The Dessert Brunch
You want chocolate for breakfast. No wait, Nutella. No wait, pancakes. No wait, NUTELLA ON CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES. Treat yourself. You didn’t go to SoulCycle all week for nothing.
8. The Pizza Brunch
Let me be very clear: Pizza Brunch only counts as brunch if you’re eating it at an actual pizza establishment while drinking mimosas and staring at a menu that says BRUNCH at the top. Seriously. Going to dollar slice at 1pm does not count as pizza brunch. Ordering Papa John’s and catching up on Orange Is the New Black doesn’t count either. You must physically leave your apartment, travel somewhere hip like Roberta’s, and make a day out of it.
7. The Meat Brunch
Like Pizza Brunch, Meat Brunch can only occur if you actually make it a brunch thing. Unlike Pizza Brunch, however, Meat Brunch will not involve any frivolous carbs or fruity cocktails. Meat Brunch is what happens when you wake up one morning and realize that you don’t want to be a vegetarian anymore. It happens when you notice that you’ve been eating Ramen all week and are incredibly protein-starved. And it happens when all you want is a mouthful of baconandbrisketandsteakandfriedchickenandhamandsausageandcarneasada.
6. Healthy Brunch
Healthy Brunch is a thing that you do when you’re on a juice cleanse or just got back from Pilates or really, really need to stick to your all-kale diet. Search for a neat juice bar, a laid-back vegan joint, or somewhere where they only serve hard-boiled eggs, steel-cut oatmeal, and salads. And please don’t invite me. I won’t come.
5. The Break Up Brunch
This type of brunch can happen in one of two ways. Either,
a.) Some jerk takes you to brunch and dumps you right when you’re stuffing your face full of waffles or
b.) Your friends take you out to brunch because you got your heartbroken the night before.
Either way, you need several extremely strong drinks, a ton of carbs, and maybe don’t wear mascara. Or sweatpants. It’s for your own good.
4. The One Night Stand Brunch
Oh god. What did you do last night? More to the question, WHO did you do last night? What’s-her-name keeps hitting the snooze button and making disgusting morning sounds through her purple mouth guard. You gently wake her up to tell her that you need to do laundry / re-take the GRE / get a replica of Macklemore’s haircut, but she suggests brunch. And you ARE kind of starving, so you agree.
Biggest. Mistake. Ever. You run out of things to talk about after you accidentally spit a mouthful of home fries across the table trying to do your best Archer / Bob Belcher impression.
3. The Two And A Half Hour Wait Brunch
Ugh. This is the most frustrating kind of brunch. Inside that tiny little Lower East Side restaurant—that only seats 12 people at a time—lies the most delicious brunch of your life. The only problem? You got in line at 11am and you won’t be seated until almost 2pm. At first, you try browsing in American Apparel, but you start to get paranoid that maybe none of the other sixteen parties of 3 showed up and they already called your name and you missed your window. You check in with the hostess every 20 minutes to see if someone has canceled their reservation, but she assures you that they don’t even take reservations. Because hipsters.
When you finally receive those warm, fluffy pancakes and perfectly seasoned rosemary sausage patties, you’ve completely forgotten about the nasty Yelp review sitting in your drafts folder about the slow, miserable, purgatory you were in for a good chunk of your morning. Seriously, their hot buttered rum cocktail is THAT good.
2. The Parental Supervision Brunch
The Good News: Your parents are in town from out of state, and will definitely be picking up the tab for your disco tots and French Toast.
The Bad News: You can’t drink like, 7 mimosas. Your mom was wild back in the day, but dad doesn’t party like that anymore. And neither should you. At least, not in front of them.
1. The Boozy Brunch
This is the Mecca of all brunches. We’re not talking a Bloody Mary with your girlfriends after a rough week at the office. We’re not talking the polite Mimosa of meeting your new boyfriend’s college buddies for the first time. We’re not talking the moody Irish coffee of a struggling blogger who just got stood up on his third OKCupid date. We’re not talking a couple of Bellini’s or a casual sip of Champagne. Oh no.
We’re talking $15 open bar. We’re talking an all-inclusive meal with unlimited drinks. We’re talking taking a full pitcher of margaritas to the face with a few handfuls of chips and salsa in between. We’re talking New York City Boozy Brunch: the weekly event that was almost banned until it wasn’t, the only reason to wake up before noon on a Saturday, and the best way to ensure that you won’t do any laundry or remember to go to Trader Joe’s on Sunday.
In order to survive this brunch, you need to plan ahead. Wear comfortable, stretchy pants that you won’t be embarrassed to unbutton. Also, make sure that they can slide off easily enough in case you have to pee really bad. Order something with carbs—lots and lots of carbs—to maintain your stamina. A bowl of fresh fruit or an egg white omelet just isn’t going to cut it. You need to think breakfast burrito, egg-and-cheese sandwich, a whole mountain of flapjacks or waffles or French toast with Nutella. Be smart. Be safe. Don’t vomit in front of anyone cute.
And thank god that you’re not living in Los Angeles and commuting home on the 405 afterwards.