1. Do things you don’t love. Spend all of your time doing things you hate. Split your time between doing your taxes, picking up dog poop off the sidewalk, and sitting in traffic.
2. Avoid your problems. Eat, drink alcohol, do drugs, procrastinate, gamble, sleep, and binge watch Arrested Development on Netflix to avoid your issues.
3. Try to change everybody around you. You’re not the problem, they are.
4. Complain. Always focus on the negative.
5. Dwell on the past. Focus on painful childhood memories and every sad moment that has ever happened.
6. Obsess over the future. When you’re not reminiscing about past tragedies, worry about every possible bad thing that can happen in the future.
7. Stay in horrible relationships. Always surround yourself with people who will bring you down.
8. Don’t trust people. Always be suspicious. Everybody is out to get you.
9. Take terrible care of your body. Only sleep two hours a night, don’t exercise, eat fast food everyday, and drink vodka instead of water.
10. Lie. Don’t tell the truth. Lying is always the answer.
11. Remember the insults. Forget the compliments.