When You Hadn’t Hurt Me Yet

I took a big sip of my Corona and took a moment to look at the Peruvian Square that sat below the bar balcony. l had come to Peru to fulfill one of my lifelong dreams, to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu, and in some way I suppose to find myself. This was my last day.

My last blissful day, enjoying the beautiful city of cusco nestled in the mountains of Peru. I tried to enjoy the last few peaceful moments. The moments where I still loved you and you hadn’t hurt me.

“Hi, Whitney. I’m sorry to be coming out of the blue like this. But if you are still investing any of yourself into THAT guy (for sake of not being the girl who kisses and tells), I need to let you know that he and I have been emailing for the past few weeks.

He’s said some things to me that I think you need to see. If you’d like to see screenshots of these emails, let me know.”

I felt like a huge weight crushed my chest, and suddenly the happily chiming church bells didn’t sound so happy anymore. The people around me became blurs of a happier five minutes past.

“Send them.” I typed shakily, staring at the screen and waiting for what exactly, I wasn’t sure. I skimmed through the sentences, each one more and more disappointing.

“You’re the only person I’ve thought about marriage and having kids with.”

I felt my throat constrict and I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes.

“She’s not the one.”

I felt physically sick. Every part of my body ached, and I couldn’t hold the back the tears. I felt so betrayed that these emails contradicted everything that I felt and had been led to believe. I felt like a fool, that I could actually be ignorant enough to think that I was his one.

My mind quickly raced back to a walk we took on the beach together. A simple moment where he threw his head back and laughed so authentically at the joke I made. A time where he held my face in his hands and slowly let his eyes sweep from my lips to my eyes.

I felt sad, I didn’t want to feel sad. I wanted to be ok… but I wasn’t.

It’s ok to feel sad, it’s perfectly normal not to be fine. Feel sad, wallow in what could have been, what was and what is. Free your mind. Allow yourself to be angry, to be hurt, to be obsessive, to go over every detail if you need to. Just don’t ‘live’ there. Decide when you are going to reset, and move on.

I took one last swig of my warm beer, set 10 soles on the bill and climbed off the barstool. I looked at the fountain in the center of the square and watched two children playing with a local stray, splashing water as he attempted to catch it with his mouth. I smiled to myself, and somehow knew I was going to be ok.

“Ah, going so soon?” The waitress said with a rough version of broken English and a slight smile.”

“This moment has passed, it’s time to find a new one.” I said, throwing my backpack over my right shoulder, and just like that… I reset.