When we all had our hearts broken for the first time, we thought our world was over. Heart in shambles, we find ourselves taking a step forward and two steps backwards, all the nights we spend sitting by our bedside looking at photographs and reading past messages, scrolling through Instagram reminiscing it all. The ache in our bones that we constantly tried to fill. We seek solace in the world of alcohol, we spend nights getting wasted, we spend nights out partying putting up smiles for friends to see, to only regret even more the next morning, and that empty hole in your heart still remained as big if not grew in size.
We try to fall for someone else thinking the ache would slowly but surely ebb away,
we end up going through the motions of it all, meeting new people, going on dates, but soon enough, you find that it’s almost impossible for you to put the past behind you. When you have dinner with them and at the back of your mind you are smiling because you remembered how you had dinner by the bay with him too. You had to break it to them, that you were not ready for anything serious for a long time, you know how it broke his heart, you saw how their smiles fell as they listened to you explain yourself, all of them were great great guys but you knew how physically and emotionally apart you were from every one of them, and you couldn’t help but compare them to your first love, and found that you were constantly fighting yourself fable teow he was still better than all of them.
One day, you wake up with the realisation that closure was prominent and that even if you wanted it or not, you had to move on. You learn to pick yourself up amidst the chaos and still, the occasional tears you shed. You started to read self love books, you found new hobbies, and you found yourself doing things out of your comfort zone, feeling like you are on top of the world.
You learn to love yourself in the midst of having no one to love.
You start to think if maybe you didn’t need anyone anymore, and that you were actually happy. Until you met him. The one who came by just as you thought you could settle for nothing but yourself.
You who thought that it was enough and that you were so scarred from how the first relationship ended. You got to know him better, you found yourself thinking about him quite often and that scared you, you questions your wavering heart, who was now almost ready to give this another shot. You played hard to get, not because you wanted to , but the fear of you getting broken once more was stopping you. But he proved himself to you, time after time and you slowly let your walls down. You trusted your gut instinct and you felt that this was it. Everyone has their hearts broken at least once and you are finally not afraid to fall anymore. You thought you could trust him to catch you as you fell.
It was epiphany all over again, you went on dates that were different, you found yourself laughing at his silly jokes, you went on long midnight drives, talking about both your pasts, you listened and so did he. Everything was going great, you relationship started to become stable, you met his friends and he met yours too, you brought him home to meet your family and it seemed as though your life was coming together properly. You start to make all sorts of plans, for his birthday, or even for the monthsaries that were coming up. You started to put more effort into making everything seem perfect, that extra effort you put into putting on a little more makeup, putting on the nice blouse you scored at the store. You started to turn a blind eye against everything that was seemingly falling apart.
You told yourself this was just the two of you getting comfortable. You were so invested in the relationship, you failed to see beyond all the cracks you desperately tried to mend. You allowed every mistake to occur and you were quick to forgive without any explanation. You placed him first over anyone and everything else. It was eating you away and
you started to lose yourself in the midst of loving him.
It began to snowball into you just accepting things as how they were. Months past, things never got any easier. He got really busy and so did you. But was what different was that you were the only trying, harder than anyone to hold it together. Fights started to occur and so did the distancing.
He was constantly making excuses that he couldn’t meet you. You said you understood. But you didn’t. One day maybe because you were just doing too much that he felt that enough was enough, and he just left. He left in the midst of your plans to throw him a surprise picnic at the gardens. He left you hanging, so fast that when he left, you were in such a state of shock, you thought he was kidding. He left so abruptly that you are stranded on your own. Just when you thought it was all well again.
You picked yourself up after the first time your relationship failed and yet again you find yourself lonelier than before. He left you no note, no apology and there he was, out the door.
The second heartbreak hurts more than the first,
because you have handed him your broken heart thinking he would mend it, but instead he hammered it into smaller shards and stabbed you with it.
He left you with nothing but opened wounds, he left you without a closure, and the mess he has made in your heart. He expects you to pick yourself up just like how you had to the first time. This is why it hurts so much more.