It Was Only The Idea Of Me You Loved

Wendy Liu
Wendy Liu

I thought I had the entire world in my hands, when I was withย you.ย I was practically undefeatable and almost fearless. I was willing to walk to highs of highs and the lows of lows with you by my side.

Promises were made, hands were held, commitments were sealed. We were so so happy. We knew how we could fight a war hand in hand and time took to a standstill each time I was with you. Everything else ย didn’t matter. Your resilience and passion to fight for what you love and how you loved struck me and a little something in me knew, thatย you were never going to hurt me. Ever.

But as soon as things settled in, the chase was pretty much over. I was desperately searching for ways to validate everything. That I now have. I wanted to prove to the world everything. I started to seek comfort in the things this worldly place I live in and call home. I was constantly waiting and hoping for the world to give me its approval of likes, retweets, shares, comments. I allowed myself to be validated by strangers whom I barely know.

I was insecure; that without the validation, you were going to have the right to walk out of my life as and when you wanted to. I thought I could keep you with all the meaningless posts that probably meant nothing to you. I was stupid and really too in love.

I soon realized that I was in love with the idea of having to prove myself to this world that I shouldn’t be caring about. My mistake led to another and another and it started to mount and heap. I got so carried away and lost that you started to questionย where did I go?

I was constantly showing you the sides of me I only wanted you to see. I was only happy when I wanted you to be I refused to let you think otherwise and that this relationship was seemingly perfect. Deep down, I always had a sinking feeling each time I try to swallow the things I wished I could muster the courage to tell you.

You made it clear from the start, that I was never going to be a priority. But my biggest mistake was probably making you my priority. I placed you first before everything else and that irked you. You told me it wasn’t going to be like this. Time is what I could offer. Time was what you couldn’t take.

We would spend pockets of time together, constant sacrificing work time or rest time, the silent times we spent together was comforting, but it started to drain me. I no longer could bring myself to tell you about how my day went or ask you about your day because you looked like you needed time to rest more than you needed to hear me speak.

Soon enough I lost myself and I lost you too. Too often I find myself asking if I have the rights to inflict my own insecurity onto someone else, who genuinely cares, but the longer you stayed the higher the walls I built around myself. I was scared to let my guard down in front of you.

As soon as I did, you realised I was not what you thought of me to be. You could no longer oversee or embrace my shortcomings, you constantly only saw the flaws that I have. I still tried to love you just as before but you wouldn’t let me. It was too much for you to take and that’s why you left.

I lost you because I was not who you thought I was, and I thought you would love me for me.

I guess not.ย TC mark

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