Now, after realizing I spent way more time imagining the dress (A-line dress… wait no, Princess-line with lace trimmings) than the woman wearing it, and now that I have taken the moniker of fairy princess for myself, I believe that running away with the Best Man is a far more likely scenario.
I challenge you to, next time you’re at a party, pull down your pants and pee on the floor in front of everyone. As a dog, you’d be forgiven after flashing a fake smile and giving your ass a little shake. As a person, you’re lucky if nobody calls the cops.
It’s that it-factor, that natural chemistry that’s lacking. You always used to think that when people talked about ‘the spark’ they were full of crap, but there you are: sparkless and uninterested. Go on a second date, then a third, then a fourth. Wait patiently to start feeling attached. Keep waiting.
Oftentimes, we say one thing, but mean quite another. However, there are also those of us (we, the neurotics) who look so hard for hidden subtext in sincere remarks, we end up blowing things way out of proportion.
I think in the same way it’s popular to get behind a charitable cause without doing all your research, it is also popular to condemn causes which get so much rapid attention that they seem like nothing more than fads.
Vodka has been my go-to Valentine for as long as we’ve known each other, but I make sure to treat it properly every day of the year, not just when it suits me. I don’t know if I’d be as romantic or idealistic as to say it was love at first swig, but we’ve definitely built a solid relationship throughout the years.
I’d also appreciate it if you brought me someone who will have regular sex with me throughout the holidays and into the New Year! It’s getting colder out, the nights are longer, and while fuzzy slippers and a warm blanket are comforting, it’s not as comforting as a naked body huddled up next to you, post-coital.
Shopping on the clearance rack is a lot like dating, in that one must sort through hundreds of bad items in order to find the small handful of good ones. There will be tons of things you don’t need as well as plenty of items that might have been great at one point, but now possess some glaring defect.
You might think you already have some good ideas when it comes to turning away potential admirers, but you’d be wrong. Let’s go over some of the most common Straight Guy responses to gay come-ons, and what would happen if they were actually used.
I go to the grocery store and eschew all delicious desserts and salty snacks, opting instead for celery and fat free yogurt. In the cereal aisle, I put down the Fruit Loops and pick up the Fiber One. I go to the mall and buy new running shoes, sometimes even going as far as to break them in with a nice easy jog around my neighborhood one night. I buy a bathroom scale and cut out a picture from a magazine for “thinspiration.”