Since the dawn of portable speakers, music has played an integral role in setting the mood for sexyfuntimes, proving as useful as candles, massage oil, and fuzzy pink handcuffs. Musical taste, however, much like taste in sexual partners, varies from person to person — some people are going to gravitate toward classics with straight-forward messages, like Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On,” while others may prefer banging to a beat and would rather put on some Skrillex. Regardless of your preferences though, there are some songs that are universal boner-killers and should NEVER be added to a sex playlist. Here are some examples:
“MMMBop” by Hanson
You want to know what this song immediately reminds me of? Fourth grade. You want to know one of the last things you should be thinking about when you’re having sex? FOURTH GRADE. A lot can be said for nostalgia-inducing songs, but if I’m doing the dirty, I don’t want to be brought back to a time in my life when I didn’t even know what sex was! I mean, I’m still barely sure what’s going on down there, I really can’t handle having to suddenly deal with my inner-child at the same time.
“Do-Re-Mi” by Julie Andrews from The Sound Of Music
Okay, story time! So once, my friend was hooking up with this guy who had a very shall we say, eclectic, taste in music, which was reflected by the wide variety of songs popping up on the Pandora station he created as background for their steamy make-out sesh. Things were going swimmingly until… could it be? Is that actually Julie Andrew’s voice singing “Doe, a deer, a female deer, ray, a drop of golden sun” to a bunch of Austrian children? Why yes, yes it was. My friend could not keep it together; he burst out laughing right in the other guy’s face. The other dude wasn’t nearly as amused and kept telling my friend to “just ignore it,” but the moment was sooo over that my friend had to insist on getting up to change the song, putting an end to the most awkward moment in the history of time. To this day, having “Do-Re-Me” come on mid-make-out with another guy is the GAYEST thing that has ever happened to me… I MEAN, to my friend!!
“Rockstar” by Nickelback
You knew a Nickelback song was going to make this list. You had to know. But out of all the Nickelback songs I could have selected, I chose this one because I imagine it will be the song playing in the background when ‘rockstar’ Avril Lavigne and ‘rockstar’ Chad Kroeger go to consummate their marriage on their wedding night, and that mental image is like taking a cold shower and multiplying it by infinity. I may never feel aroused again.
“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones (or Britney Spears)
Honestly, playing this song whilst getting it on is just plain cruel. He’s trying, and he’s trying, and he’s trying, and ladies, we get it, you can’t get no satisfaction, but you shouldn’t rub it in his face WHILE he’s trying to perform if you expect to get any kind of satisfaction, ever.
“Someone Like You” By Adele
The first reason you should not be making sweet lovin’ to this particular Adele song is completely obvious: it’s about a breakup and it’s depressing as fuck (good luck achieving orgasm!). However, the real problem is that you will be reminded of having sex with this person every time you turn on the radio in your car, step into a Starbucks, or walk through a shopping mall, which, if you’re me, basically comprises your entire life. That is a ton of pressure to put on the experience, because if it’s not good, you’re going to be thinking about bad sex A WHOLE LOT. Until this song falls down the charts and is played with less frequency, it simply isn’t a safe-sex practice to play while having sex – or “setting fire to the rain” as Adele probably likes to call it.
“All The Small Things” by Blink-182
I don’t know if this is something everyone did in middle school or if it was only the artsy/emo/live-journal-having/maybe-gay/definitely-angsty kids, but if I had something I wanted to communicate to a friend or, gasp!, a crush that was too hard to say in my own words, I would sometimes print out the lyrics of a song, give it to them, and make them search for the hidden meaning on their own. It was altogether ineffective, but it was definitely a thing. Blink-182 quickly brings me back to my middle school days, and maybe it is for this reason I feel that if I were to have sex to this song, it would be because my partner was secretly trying to tell me I had a small penis. “Say it ain’t so… turn the lights off… all the small things”? See how one might draw that conclusion? So unless you really are trying to hurt my feelings, or the feelings of your penis-having partner, keep this song off the list.
Any song ever by Weird Al Yankovic
With hit tracks such as “Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch,” “Amish Paradise,” “Like A Surgeon,” and “Jerry Springer,” Mr. Yankovic is responsible for creating, quite possibly, the least sexy body of musical work, of all time. Initially, I thought there might be some sexual undertones in the song called “Eat It,” but as it turns out, Weird Al is talking about eating actual food, not the euphemistic eating of genitalia. If for some reason you still have Weird Al on your iPod (which frankly might open an even bigger can of worms), make sure you at least keep him off your sex playlist.