I am the first to admit I have a bit of a ‘thing’ for revenge and I guess I can trace it all the way back to my reading of Roald Dahl’s Matilda as a kid. It was the first novel I ever read by myself, and while it purported to tell the story of a young female genius who learns that sometimes your real family isn’t the one you’re born into, I was smart enough to discern the real moral of the story: make sure bitches get what they deserve. At the tender age of five, Matilda manages to bring down her cruel parents and the school’s evil headmistress via a series of well-thought-out public humiliations, and I suppose that notion of justice resonated with me then, as it does now. At the heart of it, I love the idea of ‘bad guys’ getting what’s coming to them, and I believe that the wronged should not be forced to wait for karma or ‘the universe’ to bring it about — we can handle it ourselves, with our own two hands and one creatively devious mind.
Since then, I find that nothing gives me a thrill quite like an epic revenge story. I like the songs (Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’), the movies (Kill Bill), and the TV shows (ABC’s Revenge is literally one of the best things that’s ever happened to me) and each one makes me long for the chance to embark on my own journey of vindication. It will probably seem stupid to most readers that I’m waiting with bated breath for someone to wrong me, simply so I can justify vicious retribution later (see: “I’m going on a first date tonight! Yeah, I hope it goes well, then maybe in a few months he’ll cheat on me and I’ll get to fill his apartment with locusts!”). I know it’s sick and wrong, but I like what I like, okay? Don’t judge me, or I’ll put locusts in your apartment too.
As fate would have it, however, I have been treated mostly well by my peers, and setting one of their prized possessions on fire in retaliation for any squabbles we’ve had could only be categorized as a huge over-reaction on my part. It’s Murphy’s Law, I guess — the people dying for someone to betray them never get dealt an injustice, whereas trusting, innocent people are getting f-cked left and right. Contemplating this cruelty of life eventually culminated in my decision to start a new business, as an avenger for hire. I know some of you were probably misled into thinking this would be an article about the wildly popular Avengers of Marvel Comics, and for that I apologize; but I promise I am offering society a service that will soon be as popular (and hopefully as lucrative) as Joss Whedon’s latest film.
See, I’ve put a lot of thought into the process of vengeance, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best to outsource the job to a third party (me). For one, a lot of people get misconstrued as petty and immature after they dish out some payback, and I don’t want that to happen to you. Honestly, don’t you think Kelly Clarkson’s ex from the “Since U Been Gone’ video took pictures of his trashed apartment and posted them on Facebook with the caption, “Look at what a psycho my ex is!”? Of course he did, and then she looked bad and never got a date again. If you hire me, I promise results which will never be traced back to you, leaving the impression that you took the high road. And trust me; nothing makes revenge taste sweeter than maintaining an air of moral superiority.
Furthermore, I guarantee that my punishments will always fit the crime. I know in a flash of rage, it’s easy to just grab the object nearest you and throw it against a wall, but that lacks imagination and poeticism, and that’s important. So please, call me instead and I’ll devise something much more fitting. Did you catch your boyfriend sending dick pics to his other secret girlfriend? Allow me to make sure those pictures are ‘accidentally’ forwarded to everyone in his phonebook, email, and high school yearbook, including his mother, boss, and 10th grade algebra teacher. Did your frenemy imply you looked fat at your last sorority date party? I will lace everything she eats with lard until she’s unknowingly consumed 10,000 calories every day of her senior year, condemning her to wear spanks under her graduation gown! No job will be too small or too insignificant.
Lastly, I believe your retribution is best sought by yours truly because I’m removed from the situation and not in danger of letting any lingering sentimentality prevent justice from being served. I understand that those who hurt us most are oftentimes people we once loved most (it is what makes the pain so exquisite) and sometimes that makes it difficult to exact a well-deserved revenge. But, just because you loved them doesn’t mean they should get away with mistreating you. For example, if you catch your boyfriend hooking up with someone else in his car, you might decide that that car deserves to live at the bottom of the nearest lake. Sure, a wonderful idea, but right as you’re about to release the emergency break, you remember all the good times you had in that car: late night drives, playing music with the windows rolled down, kissing in the backseat; all those memories rush back and make you rethink the whole thing, your nostalgia enhances the risk he’ll simply get away with his indiscretion. I, however, have none of these pesky memories and could sink that mofo’s car guilt-free, without giving it a second thought. I’ll just tell myself it was Hitler’s car. Would you have a problem sinking Hitler’s car? I didn’t think so.
So, if any of you find yourselves in need of my professional services, I urge you to contact me on Twitter. Obviously we don’t want to give the guilty party any advanced warning of what’s about to happen to them, so just @ reply me with the code phrase, “Loved your article on Thought Catalog!” and I’ll know that really means “I have vermin that need to be dealt with” and we’ll arrange a formal consultation. May the guilty never go unpunished again.