Stupid Things I’ve Said To Guys I’ve Had Crushes On

I was out having cocktails with a friend last week, happily making jokes and bantering back and forth, when my slightly buzzed companion said the most heinous thing to me. “Wes, you’re so funny,” she said. “How is it you can’t manage to find yourself a boyfriend?”

Okay. The rational part of my brain knows that my friend was attempting to pay me a compliment and I know I wasn’t supposed to read too much into it and I know I wasn’t supposed to retaliate by stabbing her in the eye with my cocktail straw, but honestly, why couldn’t she have stopped at the word “funny?” Because while a normal person might have been mildly aggravated for a few minutes and then moved on with his life, I went home and actually tried to figure out the answer to that b*tch’s flippant question.

I did this by sitting down in my room and composing a list of guys I have had crushes on, who never became my boyfriend (which, if illustrated by a Venn diagram, would just look like one perfect circle) and then began hunting for instances in which I may have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. I mined my memory, every text on my cell phone, and Facebook messages dating all way back to 2009 — which I think is when I started to go wrong by actually talking to guys I like — and assembled my embarrassing list of stupid statements. This, dear readers, is that list:

Wow, pad thai looks different when it’s served all neatly on a plate like this. Hey, wanna know what I just realized!? I’ve never actually eaten pad thai anywhere but my living room from one of those Styrofoam take-out boxes! Sure is nice to get out of the house for a change!

I just saw the cutest dog that reminded me of you!

Yeah, of course you can use my kitchen to bake a cake for your boyfriend! His birthday is tonight, right?

According to some yoga practices, there are actually a lot of benefits to celibacy. Personally, celibacy has not resulted in any increased energy or nonviolent tendencies for me, as I am tired most of the time and often want to brutally run over pedestrians who take too long in cross walks, but maybe there’s something to it. Maybe sex really is overrated.

Wes is short for Weslee, but all my friends call me Xander! Actually, nobody’s ever called me Xander. Would be weird if they did though, huh?

Oh, cool, you met on OkCupid? You know, I got really drunk and made an OkCupid profile once. I actually didn’t find out about it till weeks later when I checked the spam folder in my email — apparently I registered the username MuffinMan219. How crazy is that? I guess I crave both muffins and a boyfriend when I’m blacked out, who knew!? Anyway, nobody messaged me.

I guess I’m a fan of cuddling, but only in specific situations. For example, I never cuddle on public transportation, but I always cuddle after someone gives me money, candy, or drugs.

A crush on you? You wish buddy, not in a million years!

Yeah, I guess you could say I had a crush on you, but that was long time ago. Like, a million years ago!

What should I wear to this thing, is it more classy or casual? I’ll wear whatever you tell me to, I’ll be your very own Ken doll! Okay, well I’m fatter than Ken, but at least my underwear comes off!

Your uncle does missile analysis? Wow, what a weird coincidence, that’s kind of what my dad does for a living. How many people have that job, I wonder… Ohmygod, what if it turns out my dad is your uncle and we’re actually related! That would be terrible luck! Well, I guess when you think about it, it wouldn’t really matter. I mean, we’ve never met until this point in our lives, being long-lost cousins wouldn’t be that big of a deal; we don’t feel like family. And since gay sex rarely leads to offspring, I guess we don’t have to worry about a resulting deformed child either… Wow, I just put way too much thought into this, didn’t I?

Well, I guess you could say I figured out why I’m still single. While this list might be good for a laugh (or if you’re me, the catalyst for Shame Fest 2012), it doesn’t help anyone unless there are lessons to be learned. So, after much reflection and only four glasses of wine, here is what I think we should take from this:

Repress the urge to over-share; silence really can be golden.

When you’re trying to think of a random excuse to text someone, try to come up with something better than a comparison to a four-legged animal, no matter how cute it was.

Try not to fall for people who are unavailable. But, when it happens, you need to stop going out of your way to do favors for him and certainly don’t help bake a cake for “the other guy.”

Don’t talk about being celibate; you don’t want to seem asexual or desperate in any way.

Don’t force jokes that are simply aren’t funny, you’re trying way too hard, Xander.

If it comes up, don’t lie about your feelings. Own up to your crush and maybe you’ll find out the feeling is mutual. And if not, at least you’ll have flattered someone you like.

And finally, do not, under any circumstances, make a joke about potentially being related to someone you hope to see naked one day. You freak. TC mark

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  • dcdenise

    Trying to pick up someone when you’re wasted is a very bad idea (although it is amazing to me how many people actually meet this way). I was out with a friend a very, very long time ago and had my eyes on a guy at the bar, so I struck up a conversation by asking him where he was from (harmless enough, right?), he said Detroit. I then got this very exaggerated look on my face and said “My car was made in Detroit!!!”   Oh my…….

  • Anonymous

    I had two messages on facebook that went in this order:
    “wow remind me to not go on fb chat after I’ve had 5 margaritas…”
    and then, “when do you think I can get my shirt back?”

  • Ohai

    “That’s an unusual name.”
    “Yeah there’s a train in Japan by the same name. Weird huh? Imagine if I’d been named after a train….”
    Guy stares at me in horror. I start laughing. Awkwardly.
    “Just kidding. I wasn’t named after a train. It would be so cool though…”
    Guy smiles nervously.
    /end scene.

    This wasn’t even a guy I liked. IMAGINE WHAT I’M LIKE WITH PEOPLE I CRUSH ON.

    • AbuBakr Hussain

      For the briefest moment, i got terribly excited there were indeed trains in Japan called OHAI. I imagined them pulling up to the platform with OHAI on the nose and everyone acting like it was a completely normal wednesday in Japan, and getting on them. And then some terribly droll guy inventing the OHAI meme after getting on the train.
      Then i realised. =(

      • Ohai

         OMG. That would be amazing. I wish it were true.

  • Xanderlikeyou

    I am the female version of you. I have sent these texts. Each and every one of them. I’ve done the Xander joke, I’ve compared a guy to a dog. Why? I dont know why. But this explains why, OH WHY i’m hopelessly single. 
    What scares me is that I dont think I’ll ever be able to stop. I’ll always remain in that socially awkward non attractive quirky bubble of mine. LIFE! :(

    • Wes Janisen

       I don’t think I’ll ever stop being embarrassing either, but I have hopes that one day we’ll meet people who finds us quirky/endearing instead of awkward/unsettling!

      ….. and if not, *we* can always hang out together at a bar somewhere. I think we’d get along famously!

  • Marygreentime

    tee hee I asked a guy I had a crush on: “Does blood glow in the dark?” totally forgetting the “under this special light the police uses sometimes”-part … That was funny but quite embarassing as well:D

  • Anonymous

    I feel your pain, I once told a guy I had a crush on “get off me! my skin melts where you touch it.”  I hate myself.

  • Ali

    a mutual friend of ours mentioned how my crushes younger sister and my younger brother could get married one day, then me and my crush would be in laws, so we would be related. Way to ruin that one for me…

  • AbuBakr Hussain

    I did this by sitting down in my room and composing a list of guys I have had crushes on, who never became my boyfriend (which, if illustrated by a Venn diagram, would just look like one perfect circle) –  I did an actual ROFL to this. I think my venn diagram would be pretty much the same. The trick is, to not get crushes, as soon as one party likes the other more, then that imbalance messes things up. It’s very tricky but basically, if i can keep the level of ‘like’ of a person to roughly how they are feeling towards me, (or less), then i, well.. am a lot more succesful..basically just by trying we lose, which kinda sucks, because…..
    Having crushes is soo fun, and saying stupid things to them is even better.
    i’m pretty sure this year i’ve told a crush that her bladder was huge (she did drink 8 LITRES of water a day to be fair).. another that she looked terrible (she looked great the day before.. to be fair).. and another to talk to me about child rape (to be fair… that’s what her dissertation was on)..
    let’s just say my perfect circle is intact.. i still can’t get over the fact that girl drank 8 litres a day though..

  • Ben Empey

    I felt like I was reading a transcript of my life, which made me both excited and sad.

  • Brady

    I don’t know why, but whenever I really like someone I feel like I have to make sure they know I’m good in bed. Because, you know, if I tell them that then they’ll definitely like me back, right?

    Wrong, then they just think I’m an egotistical slut.

  • steph

    Ah omg, I do this all the time, like just yesterday. A ‘conversation’ with a guy in class in a small confined space alone = my nerves get all weird.  I don’t even know why?  Like part of my brain blacks out so I go on autopilot, some weird exhausted nervous shy girl…  I’ve gotten a couple of horrified looks from him.  I barely know the guy and have no attraction to him (except thinking, “I wish I knew people around here, and if I did, I’d want them to be pretty much like this guy”… okay, maybe I am a bit of a creep for projecting things onto some person who is essentially a stranger to me and crumbling under the subsequent social pressure of it all, but I don’t mean to do it, dammit!)

  • JennaCoy

    I think someone who can poke fun of themselves is a GREAT catch! And you are witty and cute and FUNNY! Gosh, Wes… How is it you can’t….

    Oopsie, nevermind :)

    • Wes Janisen

       LOL, nicely played!! *stabs in the eye with cocktail straw*

  • Guest

    Okay, well I’m fatter than Ken, but at least my underwear comes off!”

    I laughed really hard. Don’t worry, I’ve said my share of stupid things to my crush, too!

  • akkemhcs

    hahaha I do this ALL. THE. TIME. thinking I’m being completely normal and not awkward. I have somehow managed to secure a boyfriend, though, so maybe there’s still hope for all of us over-sharing weirdos.

  • Alexia Roumanas

    High-larious! And hardly a surprise. Funny, smart, sel-deprecating, eccentric people are often single. I think this should have been the subject of my psych experiment. Maybe I wouldn’t say demented things like this:

    Crush: I’ve got to start get my body into shape again.
    Me: what are you talking about? You have the body of a god!

    To be fair, he did. But I lost all the cool points is amassed.

  • Emi

    Your post couldn’t be more timely and needed. This one time (like three days ago) I was with a really cute guy sharing a lovely moment at a park looking over the Hudson River and I asked him what part of New York was on the other side of the water.

    Stupid geographically-challenged-American idiot. To be fair (to myself, I suppose) I’m a newbie to NYC. Okay, but there’s really no excuse for that though. Oh well, at least the memory of him being so cute and nice about it will last a lifetime of being alone.


    I LOVE YOU!!!! We need to meet and swap stories. I once told a guy I had a major crush on that I couldn’t hear him from a table away, and if he “needed a microphone”… WTF!

  • Joseph Brillantes

    Maybe you have a bad case of word vomit? I dunno. 

  • alainalatona

    I have said worse to people I have had/currently have crushes on, but I don’t find it embarrassing or something I should stop doing. If they don’t like you for your ridiculous thoughts/thought processes, screw it.

  • Andrea

    Oooh, honey… :|
    [How I Met Your Mother Reference] 

  • Dana21982

    Boy I’m dating (who I’m also convinced is the male version of me, and I’m pretty effing rad, so of course I want to bang him): “I’m in the ER because my stomach is in so much pain.”

    Me: “Sooo…does that mean you don’t want to hang out tonight?”

    Boy: “They think it is Colitis”

    Me: “Ummm….”   [immediately Google “Colitis”: “Colitis is swelling (inflammation) of the large intestine (colon). Symptoms can include: Abdominal pain and bloating that is constant or comes and goes; Bloody stools; Chills; Constant urge to have a bowel movement…”]  Well, if they release you anytime soon, I’m still down to hangout.  Holler!”

  • Melia

    You should probably just stay single and keep saying awesome things all the time. 

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