I have been very good this year. I finally graduated college as a Philosophy major, Canadian Studies minor (I know what you’re thinking: “A minor? That’s really going above and beyond!”) and received an overall GPA of… well, the GPA doesn’t matter. The point is: I DID IT, Santa! Not only that, but I defied all the odds and also managed to land a job in the midst of this harsh and volatile economy! Now, I know working as a holiday hire in Macy’s housewares department isn’t exactly what I studied for, but I do get to hold the keys to the Fine China display case, and that makes me feel pretty glamorous and powerful. Most importantly, however, this job has allowed me to live my dream of finally moving out of my parents’ house and into an apartment of my very own. Just me… and five roommates I found on Craigslist.
Because I have been such a stand-up individual this year, you’ll understand why my Christmas list is a bit longer than usual. I don’t mean to be greedy, but I can’t help but feel that my many accomplishments deserve to be rewarded during this holiday season.
Now that I am clearly An Adult, I’ve discovered that I constantly need to buy a lot of adult-like things; things I am now asking you to bring me for Christmas. This list includes, but is not limited to: cleaning products, cutlery, toilet paper, wine glasses, a duvet, shampoo, a crock pot, a vacuum cleaner, throw pillows, a variety of Glade scented candles, and maybe some of those rubber-ball-things you put in the dryer (what do those do, even?). I know this is a deviation from the wish-list of toys, games, music, and DVDs I’ve asked for in the past, but these presents are for the new, responsible me. Things sure have changed, haven’t they Santa?
Additionally, I recently discovered I don’t have health insurance anymore! Think you can add that to the list, while you’re at it? You never know what’s going to happen once you get out of bed, and I shudder at the thought of slipping on some black ice or being impaled by a reindeer antler this season and not being able to afford the medical bills. Preferably, you’d just get me a new, full-time job with paid vacation, full benefits (is dental too much to ask for?), flexible hours and an awesome boss who encourages after-work ‘team-building’ at the nearest Happy Hour. I’m not exactly sure how you’ll gift wrap that and put it under the tree, but I know you’ll come up with something. After all, you manage to fit all 400 pounds of yourself up and down millions of chimneys in one night; this should be a piece of cake (plate of cookies?).
Speaking of a 400 pound physique, what do you think about getting me a gym membership and personal trainer for Christmas too, Big Red? Ever since graduation, I’ve noticed that my body won’t let me have half-a-dozen cocktails for dinner and a foot-long breakfast burrito at 2am for dessert. Not without paying a ‘hefty’ price, anyway. I guess you could say I’m a bit… curvier than I’ve been in the past, but I’m still much too young to let myself go! What do you think? You seem to be doing pretty well with the ladies (Mrs. Claus is looking especially sexy this year, congratulations buddy!) do you think it’s important I be physically fit in order for me to still get laid from time to time?
This brings me to the most important present of all! I would also appreciate it if you brought me someone who will have regular sex with me throughout the holidays and into the New Year! I’ve been in somewhat of a post-college slump, Santa – you can’t just walk into a frat party and hook up with the drunk hottie from your French II class anymore! You have to really work for it! Plus, it’s getting colder out, the nights are longer, and while fuzzy slippers and a warm blanket are comforting, it’s not as comforting as a naked body huddled up next to you, post-coital. Of course, if this proves to be too complicated or if “human sex partner” is one of those annoying loop-holes in your wish-granting abilities, then I will happily settle for a large bottle of liquor and free HBO for a year. Just make sure the alcohol isn’t in a plastic bottle… I’m an adult now!
Wishing you a happy holiday,