Surviving The Gay Club: A Guide For Straight Men
By Wes Janisen
It’s a well-known fact that any girl worth dating has a Gay Best Friend hanging somewhere in her social circle. For one, gay men tend to keep their Straight Girl Friends looking sexy and put-together at all times (see: “Yes, that dress does make you look fat, please change, and also brush your hair”) making them desirable candidates for you to date. Secondly, because gay men are not trying to bone any of their female companions, they are able to find beautiful, redeeming qualities in just about every woman, without letting silly things like cup size get in the way. Therefore, it stands to reason that if a girl has not one single gay friend, she must truly be a heinous bitch and should be avoided at all costs.
This being said, the girl you’re dating has certain obligations to her Gay BF. More than likely, her Gay has had to endure countless hours discussing her lady problems, ranging anywhere from relationship issues (that’s you!) to menstrual cramps, which results in a sort of “friendship debt” that needs to be repaid from time to time. This is how you will find yourself invited to a gay club. Your girlfriend will agree to a Wild & Fun Gay Night Out with “her boyz,” and because you are laid-back and confident in your sexuality, she will expect you to come with. Trust me – you will score so many awesome boyfriend points by agreeing to this. Acceptance is so sexy!
Now, even though you’re a modern, liberal, and intelligent guy, you still have to deal with some lingering homophobia. No, I don’t mean homophobia in the traditional sense of the word; the kind that implies ignorance, hatred, and oppression. What I’m talking about here is actual fear, which I personally feel is completely legitimate. I’ve been to many gay clubs over the years, and I can tell you first-hand: there are some scary gays out there! One minute you can be dancing in a circle of friends, fist-pumping to Britney, and the next you’re being greeted by a boner pressed up against you and a pair of hands going up your shirt. For gay guys, this sort of rude and aggressive behavior is frowned upon, but ultimately tolerated because it so frequently leads to easy sex later. You, on the other hand, will need to learn how to reject these advances quickly and efficiently.
You might think you already have some good ideas when it comes to turning away potential admirers, but you’d be wrong. Let’s go over some of the most common Straight Guy responses to gay come-ons, and what would happen if they were actually used. Firstly, guys, don’t use the excuse that you’re there with your girlfriend. And here’s why:
Homosexual Admirer: Hey hottie, wanna dance?
You: Oh, dude, no thanks. I’m actually here with my girlfriend.
Homosexual Admirer: Ohmygod, me too! Oh, look there she is! [To her] Heyyy gurlfriend, love your heels, love your makeup, kisses!! [To you] Okay, now seriously, you wanna make out?
See, in Gay World, some words have different meanings than in Straight World. Kind of like how in Britain “fag” means “cigarette.” You have to be careful how you phrase things. So, perhaps you think it’s best to just tell your Clingy Queer that you’re a Straight Guy and then that will be the end of it? Wrong again! Here’s another sample exchange:
Interested Gay: Hi sexy, can I buy you a drink?
You: Ah, thanks man, but just so you know I’m actually straight.
Interested Gay: Oh, you’re “straight”. No worries honey, five years ago, I was too! Good choice by coming here though. Why don’t you let me help you speed up the process?
Unfortunately, closeted gay men have ruined the reputation of actual straight men hanging out at gay clubs, and therefore your claim to heterosexuality will usually be met with skepticism, disbelief, and sometimes even an increased drive to prove you wrong.
Now, I know it seems like all hope is lost, but there are ways to rid yourself of a pesky gay predator, and they’re actually very easy to master. You see, while American society has been cruel to the gay community over the years, nothing compares to how bitchy the gays are to each other. We’re talking ruthless. Without even blinking an eye, we’d tell a stranger that his jacket is last season, that those jeans makes his ass look huge, that he should go to the gym more often, that his fake tan is uneven, that his hair is a disaster, that his ego is too big and his package is too small. So, what I’m saying is: don’t even bother trying to explain that you’re not interested for reasons of sexual orientation. Just shoot the guy down, like any of us would do to each other.
Keep your shut-downs swift and simple. In fact, you typically don’t even need to speak at all – you can just give the guy “The Look.” Raise one eyebrow, curl your upper lip (imitate Ke$ha’s lip-pursed snarl if you can) and look them up and down from their Prada-clad feet to their gel-soaked hair, all the while thinking, “As if!” If you find that this does not work on its own, feel free to add a sassy snap-and-wave to your death stare to really drive the point home. However, if you absolutely must use verbal communication, keep the conversation as brief as possible. Two words from you will suffice:
Gay Aggressor: [Grinding on you from behind]
You: [Turning around, placing an open palm three inches from his face] Bitch, please!
Gay Aggressor: Fine, skank! You’re not that hot anyway!
They walk away, and that’s that. It should literally take three seconds to get rid of the guy, and then you’re free to go back to enjoying your night, dancing with your girlfriend and her friends. And, you’ll have a great time, because minus all the annoying creepers, gay clubs are a lot of fun! They have really great décor – assuming of course that you’re into glamour chic. They play really great music – assuming of course that you like Lady Gaga. And, they serve really great drinks – assuming of course that you like Pink Cosmotinis. But, who doesn’t?