Thought Catalog

Surviving The Gay Club: A Guide For Straight Men

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It’s a well-known fact that any girl worth dating has a Gay Best Friend hanging somewhere in her social circle. For one, gay men tend to keep their Straight Girl Friends looking sexy and put-together at all times (see: “Yes, that dress does make you look fat, please change, and also brush your hair”) making them desirable candidates for you to date. Secondly, because gay men are not trying to bone any of their female companions, they are able to find beautiful, redeeming qualities in just about every woman, without letting silly things like cup size get in the way. Therefore, it stands to reason that if a girl has not one single gay friend, she must truly be a heinous bitch and should be avoided at all costs.

This being said, the girl you’re dating has certain obligations to her Gay BF. More than likely, her Gay has had to endure countless hours discussing her lady problems, ranging anywhere from relationship issues (that’s you!) to menstrual cramps, which results in a sort of “friendship debt” that needs to be repaid from time to time. This is how you will find yourself invited to a gay club. Your girlfriend will agree to a Wild & Fun Gay Night Out with “her boyz,” and because you are laid-back and confident in your sexuality, she will expect you to come with. Trust me – you will score so many awesome boyfriend points by agreeing to this. Acceptance is so sexy!

Now, even though you’re a modern, liberal, and intelligent guy, you still have to deal with some lingering homophobia. No, I don’t mean homophobia in the traditional sense of the word; the kind that implies ignorance, hatred, and oppression. What I’m talking about here is actual fear, which I personally feel is completely legitimate. I’ve been to many gay clubs over the years, and I can tell you first-hand: there are some scary gays out there! One minute you can be dancing in a circle of friends, fist-pumping to Britney, and the next you’re being greeted by a boner pressed up against you and a pair of hands going up your shirt. For gay guys, this sort of rude and aggressive behavior is frowned upon, but ultimately tolerated because it so frequently leads to easy sex later. You, on the other hand, will need to learn how to reject these advances quickly and efficiently.

You might think you already have some good ideas when it comes to turning away potential admirers, but you’d be wrong. Let’s go over some of the most common Straight Guy responses to gay come-ons, and what would happen if they were actually used. Firstly, guys, don’t use the excuse that you’re there with your girlfriend. And here’s why:

Homosexual Admirer: Hey hottie, wanna dance?

You: Oh, dude, no thanks. I’m actually here with my girlfriend.

Homosexual Admirer: Ohmygod, me too! Oh, look there she is! [To her] Heyyy gurlfriend, love your heels, love your makeup, kisses!! [To you] Okay, now seriously, you wanna make out?

See, in Gay World, some words have different meanings than in Straight World. Kind of like how in Britain “fag” means “cigarette.” You have to be careful how you phrase things. So, perhaps you think it’s best to just tell your Clingy Queer that you’re a Straight Guy and then that will be the end of it? Wrong again! Here’s another sample exchange:

Interested Gay: Hi sexy, can I buy you a drink?

You: Ah, thanks man, but just so you know I’m actually straight.

Interested Gay: Oh, you’re “straight”. No worries honey, five years ago, I was too! Good choice by coming here though. Why don’t you let me help you speed up the process?

Unfortunately, closeted gay men have ruined the reputation of actual straight men hanging out at gay clubs, and therefore your claim to heterosexuality will usually be met with skepticism, disbelief, and sometimes even an increased drive to prove you wrong.

Now, I know it seems like all hope is lost, but there are ways to rid yourself of a pesky gay predator, and they’re actually very easy to master. You see, while American society has been cruel to the gay community over the years, nothing compares to how bitchy the gays are to each other. We’re talking ruthless. Without even blinking an eye, we’d tell a stranger that his jacket is last season, that those jeans makes his ass look huge, that he should go to the gym more often, that his fake tan is uneven, that his hair is a disaster, that his ego is too big and his package is too small. So, what I’m saying is: don’t even bother trying to explain that you’re not interested for reasons of sexual orientation. Just shoot the guy down, like any of us would do to each other.

Keep your shut-downs swift and simple. In fact, you typically don’t even need to speak at all – you can just give the guy “The Look.” Raise one eyebrow, curl your upper lip (imitate Ke$ha’s lip-pursed snarl if you can) and look them up and down from their Prada-clad feet to their gel-soaked hair, all the while thinking, “As if!” If you find that this does not work on its own, feel free to add a sassy snap-and-wave to your death stare to really drive the point home. However, if you absolutely must use verbal communication, keep the conversation as brief as possible. Two words from you will suffice:

Gay Aggressor: [Grinding on you from behind]

You: [Turning around, placing an open palm three inches from his face] Bitch, please!

Gay Aggressor: Fine, skank! You’re not that hot anyway!

They walk away, and that’s that. It should literally take three seconds to get rid of the guy, and then you’re free to go back to enjoying your night, dancing with your girlfriend and her friends. And, you’ll have a great time, because minus all the annoying creepers, gay clubs are a lot of fun! They have really great décor – assuming of course that you’re into glamour chic. They play really great music – assuming of course that you like Lady Gaga. And, they serve really great drinks – assuming of course that you like Pink Cosmotinis. But, who doesn’t? TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    Eh. I let the generalizations slide because you admitted you’re still somewhat homophobic. I mean, you might not know this as a straight man, but women also get rudely groped/grinded (ground?) against at regular clubs. And straight men are the perpetrators there.

    • http://twitter.com/henryevil Andrew

      Men in general are the worst.

  • FangsFoo

    It’s not homophobia from fear it’s just good old fashioned annoyance.

  • http://facebook.com/sdouglas Scott

    This won’t end well.

  • http://twitter.com/versayce Tom Sullivan

    I am not touching this with a ten foot pole. 

    • Guest

      Don’t lie Tom, you don’t have a ten foot pole

  • http://twitter.com/catedeleon Cate de Leon

    Loved this.  Hilarious :))

  • http://twitter.com/Pardee Pardee

    This is truly terrible advice.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

    Terrible article aside, I’m still dealing with the fact that my wife is a “heinous bitch” because she doens’t have a gay friend.

  • Patrick

    bahahahah this is awesome. honestly doesn’t hurt to try. besides, even though i’m straight, i think it’s a little flattering if a gay guy hits on me.

  • Guest

    total miss. was wondering what what up with tc on this article then noticed it was by one of the LA writers. tool

  • Youramericanlover

    Straight guy here. I’ve been to many gay clubs with straight girls and their G.B.F. I’ve Been to many gay clubs with my gay friends. This article = truth. The article starts in hyberbole (your girl is tore up from the floor up from her lack of a GBF) and descends into truth-telling (the ‘bitch please’). I can confirm ‘The Look’ works. I can also confirm ‘Bitch, Please’ works, though I always use “As If.” He is also right (in general) about gay clubs, gay music and gay booze.

  • http://twitter.com/zane_cassidy Zane Cassidy

    This is funny stuff.  After experiencing gay clubs as a straight man I find its best to avoid the dance floor all together. Oh, and all eye contact.  Unless you want the attention. 

  • An

    went to a gay bar and made out with a drunk girl. as a heterosexual man it was a fun night, ok?

    • http://topologyoftheimpossible.com M. Kitchell

      went to a straight bar and then got picked up at the bus stop by a dude on the way home. seems like my night was probably more fun.

  • douchegirl

    As the perpetual “Fag Hag”, everything in this article is pretty much spot on. Funny, too. 

  • Stefan

    everything in this article before the line “gay aggressor: [grinding on you from behind]” is garbage and completely unnecessary (and if you can’t make comedy without relying solely on tired, problematic “gay people” tropes, I think you’ve failed.)

    like, using “gay predators” (yiiiikes) as the source of your comedy is, I think, the worst: disregarding consent isn’t really “funny,” and actually a problem, and then folding it into a bunch of other gay stereotypes and playing it for laughs is just, well, gross.

    to straight guys: check your privilege at the door. if you don’t want to be hit on by gay dudes, don’t go to a gay club/bar. people go there because they can be relatively sure that the other guys there are gay, as opposed to basically everywhere else where the whole thing is a crapshoot with the odds stacked in straight people’s favor. this is not “your” space, you are not in charge, and no one should feel bad for you because you were mistaken for a gay man at a gay club.

    as to the problems of “predators” or people who won’t listen to you that you’re not interested: that is not a special straight-guy-at-a-gay-club problem, it’s just a problem, full stop. the end. 

    • Guestropod

      I think the point is that there are predatory people everywhere, but straight men aren’t used to dealing with them.  They need some tips.  The disregarded ‘but I’m straight’ is like a woman’s disregarded ‘but I’m seeing someone.’  

      • Stefan

        perhaps! but it’s a point that could’ve been made without all the extra garbage. which is why I’m calling bullshit.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    I chuckled, mostly because my friend is of the misguided opinion that it’d be easy to score with chicks at a gay club because “they wouldn’t expect it.” while I feel like that’s just opening us up for both come ons and cockblocks from gay dudes. That’d be a bad look.

  • Anonymous

    read this entire article in “catty gay voice,” it ruled

    • Asssss

      I used the Honey Badger dont care guy’s voice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg 

  • Gaien

    Stefan, pull the stick out of your ass. As a gay guy, it’s funny and encouraging to see that straight guys are starting to come to our clubs. 90% of my guy friends are straight and they love coming to something new and exciting like a gay club. The culture is different, an god knows they probably won’t talk to each other about what they experienced, so this article provides some comic relief. And those “tired problematic gay people tropes” are tired because they’re still so prevalent. Some gay guys are super aggressive, and that’s startling to a straight guy that has never been on the receiving end (giggity) of come-on. Well done Wes!

    • Stefan

      it’s not a stick, it’s a butt plug, and it’s there because it feels good.

      as to the rest of your post: you’ve missed the point. never said it was bad for guys to come to our clubs; if they refuse to talk about it they have bigger problems; I don’t want to get into a discussion about how stereotypes can work as both cause and effect, and the various other ways in which they work, because it’s not necessary to think that some are bad; if sexual aggression is “prevalent” in the gay community, perhaps instead of laughing about it (because gays make everything funny!) we should, you know, talk about how bad it is (for anyone to be too sexually aggressive); if something is “tired,” for me that’s what makes it unfunny and people who use it aren’t trying, aren’t even close to cleverness, and if people aren’t even trying I’m going to call bullshit; and if it’s startling to straight men that men can be sexually aggressive, they’re not paying attention, and instead of whining because their privilege was violated they should use their experience to empathize with, well, everybody else.

      but maybe this is all just because I have a butt plug up my ass, in which case, I’m not sorry. I love butt plugs.

      • Wes Janisen

        If the writing style or humor isn’t to your taste, that’s fine, call this article terrible. I know it’s not very politically correct, but walking on eggshells isn’t really my style.

        However, because I am gay and feel very strongly about gay issues, I believe that I DO have to respond to the accusations of homophobia and/or cheap stereotypes about the gay community. Everything I wrote I have observed to be true MANY times over and that’s why I have no problem publishing this online. SOME gay men are predatory (just like SOME straight men are predatory). SOME gay men are bitchy (for examples of this, read some of these comments!) Pointing out this fact does not “rip apart the entire gay community,” nor does it stereotype everyone in it. We can still fight for our rights without having to be so effing sensitive all the time! Let’s all just relax, ok? This is Thought Catalog, not CNN, after all.

      • Stefan

        I don’t call people out for writing or saying things that are “politically incorrect,” I call people out for saying shit that I think is majorly busted. If people want to pretend they’re a martyr for the cause of “political incorrectness” every time they get called out, well, that’s a load of shit too. If people were really so invested in the “politically incorrect” things they say, it seems like they should own it rather than trying to create some weird personal victimization culture.

        I don’t really know what to do with the rest of your response, because I think you’re (intentionally) missing the point – for example, the first two paragraphs of your article are completely unnecessary and a strange shade of some weird Will & Grace syndrome. It’s nothing but a (poor) attempt to play GBF stereotypes for laughs. Also, I’m not sure you understand how stereotypes work: you’re not stereotyping people, you’re just dealing in stereotypes? Are you really trying to argue that those are independent things? 

        I mean, I thought my criticisms were pretty clearly articulated in my first post, and if you don’t want to try to engage them as they are I’m not going to write them out again. Especially when instead of anything worthwhile your argument consists of “well some gay men ARE predators blah blah blah don’t be so hysterical.”

        (Also, thanks for confirming that this isn’t, in fact, CNN. I was about to say how shocked I was to see how far their standards have fallen, but now I can rest easy knowing that this is only Thought Catalog and here we don’t care about critical engagement/awareness.)

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    Wes, I thought it was funny. Keep the humor going! :)

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    Wes, I thought it was funny. Keep the humor going! :)

  • -Heather-

    you know women that discuss their menstrual cramps for hours? tell that girl to get to a doctor.

  • jukie2000

    This is the best TC I’ve read in a while.  It is all funny and true, especially the first paragraph.  Gay guys treat their girl friends like they’re accessories.

    • Gay Boy, by Prada

      And straight girls treat their gay boys like accessories in return. It’s a relationship of equals :)

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    This post is hilarious. It’s also making me aware I am lacking the gay BF since I moved here, and should probably do something about that so nobody thinks I’m (potentially) the worst girl ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/benxx Ben Macaulay

    If I want time with my female friends (who are not my personal dress-up Barbie dolls, nor am I to them) then I sure as hell don’t want them to drag their straight boyfriends in to antagonize the rest of the club.  If these club gays commit the grave sin of hitting on you, maybe it’s because you’re in one of the few spaces out there where they don’t have to walk on eggshells fearing the potentially dangerous 89% chance that you’re straight.

    Besides, why would needlessly insulting people be the answer?  If you’re afraid that you have exactly one line to dissuade the universally predatory gay before they attack, you’ve got bigger problems than homophobia.

  • Max

    The biggest problem with this piece is that it furthers the gap between “us” and “them.” 

    Perhaps my favorite (or least favorite) line in this gem appears when Wes compares society’s ostracizing and poor treatment of the gay community to “how bitchy the gays are to each other.” These things are not only incomparable, but fosters the notion that playful criticism about last season’s jacket is somehow worse than the unimaginable acts of homophobia that plague our nation each day. It seems no comments have touched on this yet.

    While I’m sorry that you, Wes, have been so unlucky as to be hit-on by a member of the same sex, shame on you. In a page, I watched you enter a place designated for the gay community because you’re so “not homophobic”and use it to mock a sector of society. All to what? Prove that you’re a bigger “man” because you can dismiss prying eyes? Congratulations on your unnecessary, presumptuous stab at the gay community disguised as wit. 

    • Wes Janisen

      You guys, I’M GAY!! The author is gay!! I would LOVE it if some same-sex members would hit on me in a gay club! Come one, come all!

      So please, you can say that this article is politically incorrect or not funny or whatever, but it’s not homophobic. CLEARLY, telling someone that their fake tan is uneven is not the same as denying them the right to marry. I think that fact is obvious enough, hence why no one has bothered to comment on it before now.

      So let’s just kiss and make-out, I mean, make-up. Okay?

      • http://twitter.com/sarasuebeedoo Sara Hankins

         I hope you don’t find this offensive, but I’ve read your posts before, and I gotta say, someone would have to be illiterate to think you’re straight.

    • douceur

      [dislike button] “unnecessary, presumptuous stab”? bitch, please!

      of course, i don’t know how sure i would be replying if i hadn’t seen wes’ reply…maybe without the hypocritical quote

    • douceur

      [dislike button] “unnecessary, presumptuous stab”? bitch, please!

      of course, i don’t know how sure i would be replying if i hadn’t seen wes’ reply…maybe without the hypocritical quote

    • brod

      I think you have miss read what he was trying to portray… He does not want to segregate, but merely give some funny advice because yes straight men occasionally must go to a gay bar for their partner or friend and this just brings to light some issues gay bars have for instance. So grow a sense of humor and stop being so emotional, I don’t understand people and how they get pulled into  political correctness I don’t think that’s what being gay is about… Well sub textually of course we all know the actual reason.

  • http://twitter.com/amanda_silvas Amanda Silvas

    Literally laughed out loud at the image of a straight guy saying, “Bitch, please!”

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