1. You are awake.
2. You are no longer lying down.
3. You are partaking in physical action, whilst in an upright position. This includes, but is not limited to, walking to the bathroom, walking to the kitchen, lifting your leg and consequently dropping it into the leg of your pants. TWICE.
4. I’m sorry let me repeat myself. YOU HAVE TO PUT PANTS ON.
5. People are mean. But your pillows? Your pillows will always treat you right girl.
6. You have to interact with other people outside of your bed rather than being alone in your bed, which sounds depressing but, like, it’s not.
7. Its cold.
8. Its not warm.
9. Showering is not worth it if it means 10 more minutes with your bed.
10. Your memory foam has the best memory in the world. Unlike your father who apologizes for forgetting to wish you a happy birthday. It’s tomorrow.
11. It’s a big world out there. Leaving your bed is a huge step in getting your day started. That’s scary. Just know that everyone else has to go through it. You are not alone in this endeavor.
12. You think you’ll come back and revisit your old pillowy friends and take a nap but you never do. Your bed gets mad.
13. But you eventually move on and make friends with other comfy friends- the swivel chair at the office, the couch in the Starbucks, the random bean bag in aisle 6 in Target.
14. The space under your table in the library is not as comfortable.
15. Partaking in an all-nighter happens and you haven’t seen your bed in 48 hours. You realize you miss it when it’s gone. Cue “Cups.”
16. So you take your bed out to dinner to apologize. By ordering in Chinese food. And eating it. In bed.
17. Your bed don’t like when you spend nights at other beds. It don’t like it one bit.
18. You show up to class and it wasn’t worth leaving your boo, I mean bed, so you promise yourself it won’t happen again.
19. Your bed doesn’t laugh at you when you spill m&m’s down your shirt. It laughs with you.
20. You’re actually in a monogamous relationship with your bed. And that, my friends, is the most satisfying lesson of all.