This Article WILL Trigger You

TRIGGA

This article will trigger you. In fact, that’s pretty much all that it’s intended to do. It will kick your self-diagnosed PTSD into high gear, and given that you have no actual medical qualifications, you won’t even know how to calm yourself down. It’s not intended to help you in the way that psychodynamic therapy will force you to confront the problem; really, it’s just here to upset you until you do something drastic. If this article killed you, I would consider it an achievement and not a source of shame or regret. After all, killing someone without touching them is basically magic. I’d feel like a dark Trigger Wizard sent to reinforce natural law in the digital age. I’d like that a lot.

This article, with its countless mentions of your triggers, will trigger you quicker than the firing mechanism of a gun activated by an actual trigger. I don’t mean to say that your triggers aren’t real by the way, just that they’re hilarious and that if you go through life telling the world “Don’t say X, Y and Z, it upsets me” that people like me will say exactly like that purely for the satisfaction we derive from picturing you hyperventilating. I trigger thee, for I am triggerkin. My identity is contingent upon the act of shitting on yours. To not trigger you would trigger me, and it’s trigger or be triggered in this dog-eat-dogkin world.

I’m not a war veteran, a young child in Compton, or a seventeen-year-old demisexual gender-binary dragon in a smallfat’s body. I clearly know nothing about the horrors of PTSD, of being triggered, and maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to write like this. Triggering others is like playing Whac-A-Mole in slow motion when you haven’t been through what you’ve been through.

You can build yourself a lovely little bubble and try to seal away the outside world, but I will find a way to penetrate it with my itchy trigger fingers. I will trigger you until you’re nothing more than a wheezing, catatonic mess, and then I’ll send pictures of you in that embarrassing state to everyone in your support network and trigger them, too. This article will trigger you so hard you’ll need a cigarette afterward. It will leave you so dissociated you’ll be able to watch life happening without you from five thousand feet above the ground.

Oh, look at that. It’s over. TC mark

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