Why did you click on this article, stupid? I’ll tell you why: because it has a provocative title, and you like being provoked because you’re empty inside. Your online outrage may appear to be tempered with righteousness and based on a strict moral code, but in truth it’s an essential part of who you are and you depend on it to exist. If you woke up one morning and found out that there were no more blog posts to be offended by, you’d kill yourself. This article is racist, sexist, transphobic, and it isn’t crazy about immigrants, either. Also, it has pictures of animals making friends with each other. This article embodies both types of clickbait: inflammatory and emotionally regressive.
1. All Women Are Whores
Oh, you didn’t realize that this was a listicle? Surprise, fucker! It’s a listicle all right, just an entirely arbitrary one, because everything is arbitrary. We’re sitting on a tiny speck of fart dust in the eternal bowels of the universe, and yet you’re foaming at the mouth because some stranger with bad teeth said some things that you didn’t particularly care for on the Internet. Bring back slavery.
4. You’re Sheldon Cooper!
I’m just saying that if Chinese people didn’t want us to laugh at them, they wouldn’t talk so funny. I’ve never actually ordered takeout from those people successfully. I get halfway through the phone call and start laughing so hard that I accidentally hit the disconnect button. To this day I have no idea what Lo Mein actually tastes like.
This song will instantly lift your mood and send blood rushing to your genitals. It will give you a renewed sense of purpose and dignity. It will karate-chop your soul and eviscerate your loneliness. It will put a smile on your face that will never come off. You will stand in the rain at your firstborn’s funeral grinning like a clown at a barbecue and people will be all like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and you’ll say to them, “It was the song! The song!”
207. Benedict Cumberbatch Can Breathe Underwater
So our HR lady was like, “If you don’t take down those pictures of buttholes from your cubicle, then we’re going to take disciplinary action,” and I was like, “If you can’t walk past a picture of a butthole without looking at it, then maybe you’re the one who lacks discipline,” and then I scalded her tits with my coffee and now I’m writing this from an Internet café. I hear sirens.