As many of you are aware, I recently made some derogatory and hurtful comments regarding [black people/gay people/our troops/the Jews]. Those who know me, particularly my [friends/family/fans/campaign supporters], will be fully aware that these remarks do not in any way, shape, or form reflect any personal views of mine, and that I have always found [homophobia/rape jokes/pulling your eyelids apart in order to look Chinese] to be morally reprehensible. With that said, I am naturally aware that these types of comments are deeply insulting to a great many people, and for that I would like to apologize unreservedly to [the crybabies who started this witch hunt] along with anybody else who was offended by what I have [said/tweeted/pissed into the snow].
I am proud to have a lot of [ethnic/queer/mentally retarded] friends, and have also had the privilege of working with a significant number of [the people I was caught making fun of like Elvis Costello after one too many Limetinis]. I hope from the bottom of my [heart/bank account] that together we will all be able to move past this unfortunate incident. Through this experience I have learned a newfound respect for all [races/cultures/people who enjoy dick] and I would like to thank you all for your compassion and understanding during this difficult time, as well as [God/his secular equivalent].