Losing weight is an uphill struggle, right? Wrong! Sure, life itself may be a futile dance of anguish and uncertainty, but there’s no reason that you can’t spend your fleeting time on Earth looking tucked and trim while enjoying delicious AND nutritious meals that are so quick to prepare, they’ll make your inexorable journey to the True Country of Death seem lengthy by comparison. Whip them up in minutes and feel them being digested as the universe digests you. Bon appetit!
1. Chia Seed Cereal
- 1/4 cup chia / golden flaxseeds
- 200ml boiling water
- Chopped nuts
- 1 tsp raw organic honey
Directions: To make this scrumptious breakfast cereal, simply place your seeds in a bowl before adding the boiling water and wait 2-3 minutes for the mixture to cool while trying not to remember that it all ends with fear. Add honey to taste before decorating with the chopped nuts. If the mixture is not thick enough then add more seeds, and if it is too thick simply pour on a little additional water.
“HEAVEN IS COMFORT, BUT IT’S STILL NOT LIVING”
2. Roast chicken salad with low-fat dressing
- 2 cooked chicken breasts
- 3 cups mixed greens, washed
- 2 tsp olive oil
Directions: Don’t despair! While the short list of ingredients may seem underwhelming, this simple dish is actually incredibly yummy. Simply heat your precooked chicken breasts in the oven at 180°C for 20 minutes before serving on a bed of salad and garnishing with the olive oil. Olive oil is much healthier than traditional salad dressings; did you know that a convicted murderer on death row requested a single olive with a stone still in it as his last meal so that once he was buried he could live on as a tree? It didn’t work!
“THAT WE SHALL DIE WE KNOW, BUT TIS THE TIME, AND DRAWING DAYS OUT THAT MEN STAND UPON”
—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, JULIUS CAESAR
3. Quinoa and Kale
- 2 cups water
- 1 cup quinoa
- 1 bunch organic kale, washed
- 2 tsps. lemon juice
- Your choice of seasoning (I use cayenne pepper)
Directions: While higher in calories, quinoa has over five times the protein content of rice, and so this tasty dish makes an ideal power snack for those of you who are training to get in shape, despite the inherent pointlessness of it all. To make your quinoa and kale, simply place the grains in a pan of warm water before bringing to a boil and simmering for 6-7 minutes. Drain it before placing it on a bed of kale and drizzling the dish with the lemon juice. Add seasoning to taste as you wait to become nothing but a memory.
“I GAVE UP ON LOVE AND HAPPINESS
A LONG TIME AGO”
4. Low-Fat Rice Pudding
- 100g pudding rice
- 50g stevia
- 700ml almond milk
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- A pinch ground cinnamon/nutmeg
- The will to carry on for another day
Directions: for a sweet treat that won’t ruin your waistline, wash the pudding rice before draining and place it in a greased baking tray. Add your stevia and milk, then tip in your vanilla extract. Sprinkle on your seasoning and place in the oven at 150°C for two hours. Realize as you do this that we are only particles floating through space assigning meaning to to our fragile existences. Best served still warm.
“IT IS SOMETIMES APPROPRIATE IN RESPONSE TO REALITY TO GO INSANE”
—PHILLIP K. DICK