Human cloning has many potential benefits for all of us—humancloning.org lists some of these as a better understanding of infertility, Down syndrome, and cystic fibrosis, among other various debilitating medical conditions. Snore! What about the recreational aspects of cloning? What about having a new “you” to fuck or beat up whenever you want? Cancer, schmancer—sex and violence are still two of the biggest industries this planet has, and as such they will be the primary reasons for people buying into the whole godless business of human cloning.

Humans have been trying to figure out how to clone themselves for a long time now. Certain Egyptologists believe that the ancients may have even anticipated the whole phenomenon and that the preservation of Pharoahs was intended so that future humans could attempt to splice their DNA. Even now we make primitive stabs at the process, projecting our egos onto digital canvases—social-media sites and blogs being the most popular—in an attempt to replicate ourselves in a way that we can reach out and touch. Soon enough, we won’t have to settle for some abstract version of a narcissistic jerking session, but will instead be able to see ourselves as others see us—not as the mirror reflects us—and we’ll be able to feel ourselves as others do, and that’s when we’ll be able to jack off and finger-bang and fist ourselves until we and our doppelgänger drown in a sea of genetically indistinguishable cum. I don’t know about you, but the future looks bright to me.

With that said, every person is different, at least they will be until commercially available cloning arrives. What would you do with your clone? Would you take them out to dinner? Would you practice your fencing with them? Would you bring them to doubles night at the local bar and get freaky with some of your fellow clones? Maybe you’d split a tab of acid with yours and take them to a house of mirrors or recreate the pottery scene from Ghost together. The whole idea makes me think of David Cross’s bit about identical gay couples and how cool it would be to fuck yourself. I truly believe that once you can have yourself carbon-copied at your local 7-Eleven with all the ease of ordering a cherry Slurpee, ditto-banging is about all people will be doing. Hey, it’s not gay if it’s you. It’s just masturbation.

I will probably end up killing my clone. Hell, I’ll probably do it repeatedly. If they outlaw cloning because people like me keep burning our replicants alive and slicing off their genitals, all that will do is drive the industry underground. You’ll hit up your local dealer, give him a drop of blood to run through his bio-intelligent 3D printer, and boom; another living dummy on whom to take out your frustrations. Locked your keys in your car again? Beat up your clone! Dropped the ball on a hot date? Kick some clone ass! Infertility may become a thing of the past, but infidelity will skyrocket when you can literally be out with the fellas and fucking the neighbor lady simultaneously. The possibilities are endless, and I swear to God if any of you try to email me about the scientific implausibility of all of this, I will burn your fucking house down. Nobody’s killing my dream. Not this time.

Society is becoming increasingly homogenous, anyway. Every passing day we dress more alike and talk more alike, and perhaps most depressingly of all we think more alike, so actually becoming exactly alike with some of your fellow citizens hardly requires a stretch of the imagination. I think it’s just the shot in the arm we need to inspire true diversity. Philip K. Dick may have tried to warn us about the world we are rapidly approaching, but let’s be honest: If he’d had a clone of his own he would have been far too busy fucking or brutalizing it to write anything at all.