Date A Girl Who Steals

Lisa S. / Shutterstock.com
Lisa S. / Shutterstock.com

Date a girl who steals. Date her because she’s wild. Date her because she’s not afraid to take risks—or valuables, for that matter. Date her because she has a cache of other people’s shit in her apartment, and some of it is bound to be cool. You may even notice some things among her stash that you previously thought were missing.

You may not be able to trust her, but would that make her much different from every other human being on the planet? At least with a klepto, you know where you stand. When a girl tells you that she steals, she is effectively saying, “Trust me—you can’t trust me,” and that’s probably the best that any of us can hope for. Also, all of her pent-up crazy will probably translate into hours of insane hatefucking on your couch, which she will then steal. You can bolt it down; hell, you can bolt everything down. It doesn’t matter, because if there’s one thing you can’t stop a kleptomaniac from stealing, it’s your heart. And your couch. OK, two things.

Date her because she’s basically Amazon.com and FedEx rolled into one beautiful package, except everything’s free. No request is too audacious, no caper too grand. Whether you want a new 52-inch flat screen, a Shetland pony, or an original Vermeer, she will embrace the challenge and bring home the goods. To her, stealing is the ultimate high, and as she’s been practicing since her early teens it’s basically second nature to her.

Sure, you’ll have to bail her out a few times. Sure, you’ll have to live with the knowledge that she’s blowing security guards left and right to avoid adding further shoplifting charges to her already considerable rap sheet. Sure, your gold fillings will disappear like tiny shiny ninjas while you sleep. So fucking what? She’s way more fun than the straight-laced media types you usually go for. All they’re capable of stealing are the best years of your life.

Date a girl who steals because no matter how badly you fuck up, you’ll still look like the responsible one by comparison. You can cheat, lose your job, develop a crippling drug addiction, and your mutual friends will still maintain a higher degree of respect for you than they ever will for her. After all, you’re just an unemployed, womanizing junkie who uses eviction notices in lieu of toilet paper—she’s a fucking thief and can’t be trusted. It’s great to have the bar set so low, believe me.

Date her because life is short and theft is fun. Date her because family heirlooms are for widows in sad novels. Date her because you’re desperate. Date her because you can’t do any better. Date a girl who steals before somebody steals her away. TC mark

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