I’d like to congratulate Mr. Shawn Carter, AKA Jay-Z, on the incredible show of restraint he recently displayed in the “Solangegate” elevator video.
I’d like to congratulate him for stopping short at blocking his sister-in-law’s blows and resisting the urge to smack her upside the head, or at least ordering his security to do so.
I feel this is especially commendable of a man who once stabbed a music producer over the alleged bootlegging of one of his albums. He’s certainly come a long way in terms of anger management, but then I guess that hanging out with the president will have that effect on some people.
I’d also like to congratulate him for not having his assailant taken out under the guise of a drug overdose or a car accident, as he could easily afford to do. Then again, it’s only been a couple of days, so give it time.
I’d like to congratulate him for not publicly vilifying his wife after she stood idly by while her soused-up banshee of a sister rained blows upon him, as the hypocrisy on Beyoncé’s part alone is enough to get any thinking person’s blood boiling. I mean, this is a woman who presents herself as a beacon of feminist empowerment; surely saving hubby is more important than banning bossy?
I’d like to personally condemn the security guard in the video, who has no doubt been fired in the wake of the altercation, and rightly so. If you can’t stop a 120-pound female from bludgeoning the man you’re paid to protect, chances are you won’t be suited to stop entire mobs deranged of fans from physically tearing off his skin.
I’d like to thank the Internet for shamelessly displaying its staggering level of doublethink where women hitting men is concerned. No doubt that if Jigga had swung first, shrieking feminists and their male enablers would be out there burning his albums on pyres and chanting in solidarity for Ms. Knowles. Of course, people will explain away this double standard by referring to power structures, ignoring the fact that almost everyone in that elevator has more power on their own than do most Third World countries in their entirety.
I’d like to thank them for making domestic violence funny again.
I’d like to thank white people everywhere (myself included) for not being present in the “beef,” as they have successfully avoided giving the radical left a narrative through which to frame this as a racist issue for which Caucasians are entirely at fault. I realize that many radical leftists are white, but still, it’s always nice to see your enemy run out of ammo.
Finally, I’d like to thank every rapper on the face of the Earth in advance for referencing the entire fracas in as many of their lyrics as possible. It’s just a shame that nothing rhymes with Solange.