Unrequited attraction to the female sex kills. We know this now, so let’s do something about it. Rather than trying to teach men not to kill, which is impossible because we enjoy it so much, I propose an annual day of appeasement that will effectively serve as a kind of Christmas for beta males.
On Bang A Loser Day, every woman who values her own life will venture off into the Game Workshops of the world and take a willing manchild by his sweaty, unmanicured hand before dragging him off to a sponsoring hotel and fucking the living geek out of him. The pasty and neckbearded will be pacified, and we’ll all get to carry on unmurdered—and isn’t that, after all, the dream?
Sure, you could argue that women shouldn’t have to writhe around on top of physically repulsive males while feigning pleasure in order to preserve their own safety, but there’s a lot of things that all of us shouldn’t have to do that we do, anyway.
I shouldn’t have to take my black socks off before getting totally naked and entering my shower, but I have to, because failing to do so makes me feel subhuman. I shouldn’t have to peevishly thank the Puerto Rican kid who sells me weed after he gyps me on a dime bag, but I have to, because I don’t want to get my teeth kicked in. I shouldn’t have to wear deodorant before getting on a crowded bus, but I have to, because, hell, somebody has to.
I make these sacrifices to my time and my dignity on a daily basis, so all I’m asking of you ladies is—for your own well-being—to do the honorable thing and have sex with somebody you wouldn’t normally look twice at on one measly day of the year. Come on, how bad could it be, really? Just get super-drunk, spread your beaver, and let him have at it. He’ll blow his load in seconds anyway, and you’ll have prevented a tragedy. There are women dipping their pussies in paint and dragging them across canvases as we speak, for heaven’s sake; you can’t honestly tell me that this isn’t a better use of your genitals than that.
Bang a Loser Day should run concurrently with Halloween, since all the women are dressed like whores and all the pathetic men are inside where it’s easy to find them. I’m open to suggestions for alternative dates, however. Let’s make this happen and end toxic masculinity among those who can barely be called masculine to begin with.