5 Reasons Your Number Actually Matters (Mainly If You’re A Woman)

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1. Sex is natural…and?

“Human nature” is possibly the most commonly used excuse for demonstrating a lack of restraint in modern history, followed closely by “I was just doing my job.”

Lust is human nature, but so is the desire to strangle the guy next to you on the subway cart for bellowing into his cellphone like a circus umpire and no court in the land would accept that as a justification. A guy who likes to bang underage chicks is only doing what comes ‘naturally’ to him and is fulfilling his basic needs, but so what? He’s still going to wind up in prison once he gets caught and few among us would attempt to defend him.

While I realize this is something of an outlandish comparison I feel that it illustrates the fatal flaw of using natural impulses to explain away a person’s inability to control themselves. Having a number higher than 10 shouldn’t be shameful in most circumstances, but if you’re a woman and if you acquired that number in a single night then yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself. You’re practically a human blow-up doll and no amount of feminist rationalizing will change that. Sawry.

2. I will have sex if I want, thanks for the go-ahead.

Whenever I read a statement like, “It’s up to you, go on and have sex if you want,” I wonder why the author bothered to write their article in the first place. Is anybody out there who is seriously so affected by social pressures that they’ll actually turn down a lay? I don’t think we should be encouraging such weak-minded people to participate in an act that even carries the possibility of breeding. Sorry to break it to you Amanda, but nobody’s been waiting for your permission to fuck anybody else.

As far as “with whomever you want. Anywhere, anytime,” goes, I don’t think that if you believe that your words carry as much power as your writing suggests that you should be inviting such reckless and primitive behaviour from other people. With whomever you want, even if they don’t want it? Anywhere, even in the ball pond at Chuck. E. Cheese’s before a gaggle of terrified kids? Anytime, even at the cost of missing your grandfather’s funeral? These might just seem like semantics, but hey, you’re the one that said it.

3. What’s done is done.

Yeah, I agree with this one for the most part, although I don’t think you can always count the bad lays if only due to certain logistical grey areas. For example, during my late teens when I was a lot more outgoing I decided to bring home a black girl with big doleful eyes and lips like Jay-Z, not because I found her particularly attractive but because I’d never tasted chocolate before and my friends said I should try it.

After getting stoned until the point where I felt sedated enough to fuck her, I produced my quivering pork sword and attempted to enter what looked like an eggplant that had been trampled by a herd of rhinoceros and left out in the sun for later use in some Mediterranean salad. Long story short, I lost my hard on at the point of insertion and she insisted on staying the night for some inconceivable reason. I don’t know if I can count that notch on my bedpost because technically it only went in the same way that Dönitz was only technically Hitler’s successor, but then again given the strength of your argument I think I’ll have to call it a fuck, albeit a hilariously terrible one.

4. The Minus Fifty Rule

Let’s be honest here, this item is exclusively related to women. No guy in the history of human existence has ever understated his number – we only inflate it. Women on the other hand lowball their list of previous sexual partners because they don’t want the guy they’ve just started dating to spit beer all over his lap, shout, “Jesus Christ, you’re nothing but a godless whore!” and storm out of the apartment never to be seen again. A difference of five is miniscule, however if you find yourself subtracting in the double or even triple digits then maybe you should consider why you feel the need to do so in the first place. Hint: it’s not society’s fault. You’re gross.

I realize those of you out there with echoing vaginal tunnels will take issue with my shaming of you and your lifestyle, but why are you allowing me to fill you with shame in the first place? You don’t even know me.

5. Honesty Is The Best Policy

Again, I agree with this one. I once fucked a girl who confided in me afterwards that she had been with over a 170 guys before the age of 19. I didn’t regret my decision in sleeping with her (only because she was attractive) but part of me wished I had asked about her number beforehand. Then again if I had done I would most likely have started backing away from her slowly while repeating that famous line from the exorcist and hurling imaginary holy water at her face. That’s on me though, and I’m glad she was honest, even if she does treat her body like a pincushion.
It can define who you are, so tough shit.

Again this is an assertion that exclusively applies to females. Reading a line like ‘just because you sleep with the guys in your whole class doesn’t mean you’re evil’ brings me back to every house party I’ve attended where there’s been a drunk girl crying at the foot of the staircase, painfully repeating the words, “I’m not a slut,” while some unfortunate friend tries to console her. I’m not claiming that Amanda Smith did exactly what she’s referring to and is now trying to compensate by projecting her feelings of worthlessness onto her readers, I’m just saying that any woman who’s done that should feel worthless and that projection is not the answer.

I could write an entirely separate article on why this the case and why it isn’t the same for guys (and shouldn’t be), and I may well do, but until that point just take it as my belief and continue to spit foam at your monitor while wishing me dead in some horrible car accident.

How you are defined in life comes down to your values as well as the values of others. You can bang half the lacrosse team and then claim that it doesn’t define who you are until you’re blue in the face, but if everyone in your community refers to you as the town pump then I’m afraid that you’ve lost by a landslide. Bragging about being easy is your natural right, but don’t get your panties in a bunch when people then go ‘damn, she’s easy’. You asked for it. You can’t have your cake and fuck it too, that is if you’re a woman. Equal it ain’t, but fair it most certainly is.

Just as a final point, I’m aware that plenty of people are going to read this and then come to the conclusion that I’m a misogynist, when what I am, in fact, is a misanthrope. I hate people in general, but the fact that I hate women the least is what enables me to sleep with them. I am closer to a worldview of equality than even the most liberal-minded of sex positive hippie art student on God’s green earth and I resent your predictable suggestions to the contrary. Have a wonderful day. TC mark

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