If there is one thing that Americans have in droves, it is a love and respect for the history and cultures of other nations and peoples. Why do you think we go so batshit crazy over Cinco de Mayo? It is no coincidence that a bunch of fraternity bros and sorority brolettes, in the midst of a historical awakening as they are introduced to a real liberal education for the first time in their lives, lose their collective butts over this somewhat obscure date celebrated in one state across the border?
If you were a fly on the wall at every tequila shot drinking contest and cerveza drinking contest and margarita drinking contest across this great nation of ours, you would hear chants of “Viva Revolución!” and “Sí, se puede” in solidarity with some of our neighbors to the South, who kicked some French ass a while back. You would also hear a lot of harsh words being said about the French and their arrogant imperialist tendencies. Because if there is one thing Americans cannot tolerate as a nation, it is imperialism.
Even local bars across the country are getting in on the act with drinks like the aptly titled blood red margarita “Death to Maximilian” and the working man’s pint of cerveza, otherwise known as the Big Benito.
Long story short, Americans, and college bros especially, have a unique reverence for seemingly obscure historical events, as evidenced by Cinco de Mayo. But why stop there? Here are a few more holidays our future senators should be celebrating.
The Party of 1812 – All 12 packs and 18 packs are half off because Andrew Jackson, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too, oh, who gives a shit? Let’s get fucked up. #ThePartyof1812
Le 1er Janvier – Why should the citizens of the state of Puebla in Mexico get all of the drunken Revolutionary glory? Fuck New Year’s Day; when these college kids sink their teeth into the slave revolt that resulted in the founding of the Republic of Haiti, they won’t be able to resist shooting back shots of Rhum Barbancourt with a guava nectar chaser. #Get1eredUp
Magna Carta Day – The first document ever forced onto a king by his subjects to guarantee rights and limit powers? Are you losing your goddamn mind? How could you fucking not be? Even though this document was signed almost 800 years ago and did relatively little for most people while guaranteeing rich land owners a little more autonomy over themselves, you know it is going to send the collective American collegian into a tizzy. Think of the great drinking games. Clause 61? Drink! Law of the Land? Drink! This document was amended numerous times over the ensuing centuries, so we are all getting shit faced. #MagnaDrinka
Oh, and I almost forgot, I never received higher than a B- in Spanish class, but I am pretty sure “Cinco de Drinko” roughly translates to “I should fucking kill myself.”