5 Things That Would Happen If Arnold Schwarzenegger Was President
1. He’d keep the flabby Congress in shape. Instead of voting, motions would be passed and vetoed by holding pose-offs, over which Arnold would preside. “I am sorry, Senator, but your lats lack definition and you man-boobs disgust me. Your motion is terminated!”
2. His cabinet would kick ass. With Stallone as Vice President, Chuck Norris as Secretary of Defense, Van Damme in charge of Dept. of Agriculture, and Steven Seagal as Treasurer, this is one cabinet that, literally, doesn’t know the meaning of the word “negotiate.” Entire debts would be forgotten — if China decided to make a stink about the $1.26 trillion we owe it, Seagal would invite Xi Jinping to a screening of his new movie Cyborg Nemesis, only to then snap the PRC President’s arm in an abandoned warehouse.
3. Our enemies would fear us. You think Putin or any of those maniacs in the Middle East are scared of Obama? These rats we’re dealing with fear strength — they see Arnold as the man who once gave a mercenary a permanent buzzcut by throwing a table saw blade like a Frisbee in Commando; they see Obama as 150-pound weakling who looks like he should be shoved into a locker next to Screech. Note: Though it is largely unknown how many of our enemies have seen Commando, the CIA has discovered that Saved By The Bell is often shown in certain regions as a primer for infiltrating our school system. If the student sitting next to you says “Zoinks” a lot or asks where that “fun-loving infidel” Rod Belding is, notify the FBI.
4. The first human being would be cloned… and it would be of President Schwarzenegger. In a move the President will claim was foretold in his “documentary” The Sixth Day, Clone Ahhnold will handle Presidential duties while Real Ahhnold bangs the cleaning staff.
5. We would see our enemies driven before us and hear the lamentations of their women. Putin and Schwarzenegger would settle the Ukraine dispute by having a bathhouse brawl, a la Red Heat. After the brutal and somewhat homoerotic beat-down, the victorious President Conan will contact ISIS and Al-Quaida, convincing them that the United States has converted to Islam. He tells them, “I’ll fly you over, you can see for yourself — it will be fantastic.” As each plane full of loonies lands, it is greeted on the tarmac by a Gatling gun-toting Jesse “The Body” Ventura. What few terrorists survive would then be taken to Rekall and have their minds wiped before becoming the world’s largest ZZ Top tribute band. Kim Jong-Un would attempt to flee to some unknown corner of the Earth, only to have his plane run out of fuel and, in an ironic twist, crash into Seth Rogen’s vacation home in South America, killing them both. The premiere of The Interview is attended in memoriam by James Franco, but is ruined when Kuato emerges from his stomach, causing his legions of fans to scream in horror.
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