There comes a time in every man’s life that he feels like his woman may be cheating him. For some, this moment comes along rarely. For me, it happens all the time. Here are a few “helpful hints” I’ve learned to help my fellow man.
(Note: “Stalking” is a term I find women throw around a lot. In my experience, there’s a bit of a blurred line between the latter and investigating, so I prefer to use the term “shadowing.” It carries less of a stigma while making you feel like a ninja.)
1. Check her phone.
After a solid bang-session, wait until she falls asleep (Note: It’s important to make sure she’s sleeping — this can be accomplished by belching loudly) then check her phone’s text messages. A typical cheater’s text may go something like this: Him: “What are you up to tonight?” Her: “Hanging out with the One-Minute Wonder. God, I can’t wait till he leaves. Miss you, stud.” This is a sign that you may be in trouble.
2. She’s getting in better shape.
Suddenly she’s passing on that second slice of pizza and hitting the gym every day — this is cause for alarm. Is it because of that little cellulite joke you made just that one time that almost drove her to murder? Don’t be ridiculous — if anything, that clever witticism would make her want to get even fatter just to spite you. Nah, she’s banging someone new, someone that’s probably in better shape than you and knows more than three sexual positions.
3. Her girlfriends start acting more indifferent than usual.
They don’t like you, and you don’t like them — this has been understood from Day One, but at least before there was a veneer of civility and acknowledgement. Now they’re ignoring you like your name was Lean Cuisine. No doubt about it, that gaggle of hens knows the score and can’t wait to see you gone. (Take solace in the fact that if you put any three of them on a scale at one time, their weight would equal that of a hippopotamus.)
4. She hardly ever answers her phone.
And when she does, it’s always with some lame excuse, IE “Sorry, the battery died,” or “I was at the movies with [insert girlfriend here].” Does she think you just fell off a turnip truck? Chicks always carry chargers in their purses, and even if she were at the movies, she would never turn it off — she was texting all through Expendables 2, remember? She ruined the whole shitty movie!
5. She finds you more boring than usual.
True, she’s always had a blank stare (let’s be honest, there’s not too much going on up there — which worked in your favor, because she agreed to date you in the first place), but whenever you’re trying to discuss something awesome, like the hilarious Charles In Charge rerun you watched recently, she’s finding the wall more interesting. It’s nothing personal — she’s just thinking about the mind-blowing sex she was having while your sides were splitting over the antics of Scott Baio. LOL!
In Conclusion: If ANY of these signs should rear their ugly head, tell her you know the score and dump her immediately. She may seem baffled, but don’t let this trip you up. Just say, “Nice acting, babe, but you’re no Megan Fox. Peace.”