To Whom it May Concern:
I recently graduated from college with a GPA that is without a doubt going to be the only impressive part of my resume and if that doesn’t impress you, you should probably stop reading now to avoid the humiliation I will surely suffer in trying to make my useless summer jobs and work experience sound like something worthwhile.
Great, let’s get this over with.
Perhaps the most important quality I would bring to the position is a genuine love for reading and writing. (This, at least, is true). Please hire me because I like books. Yes, so do four-year-olds, I know. But I REALLY like them. WAH. I am especially excited about applying to (insert name of company which I just had to click back three times to the website of to finish spelling) because I very much admire the works you publish. I read an essay by Joan Didion once and she’s the only name I recognize on your website–but I really do admire her and I promise to read more of her should I be granted an interview!
And now, this is where it really gets fun.
I worked for three years as an office assistant so I have lots of valuable office experience. I can make copies–get this–as fast as the copy machine will make them for me! I can push a button to send faxes and I can even enter data online.
My interpersonal skills are fantastic, ask my coworkers! They got me a cake for my birthday every year! Never mind that everyone got one!
I can use Microsoft Word and Excel if by “use Microsoft Word and Excel” you mean I can type? And so as you can see, I am fully prepared and excited about entering the professional world. (Just let me take down all the photos of me dancing on tables for a quick sec.)
If all of this sounds pathetic to you, please do not allow me to get anywhere near you so that I do not infect your office with sadness. I will continue to embarrass myself to every company I can find online until someone is impressed that I can speak rudimentary German and aced Intro to Creative Writing.
If you’ve suffered a momentary lapse in judgment and find yourself taken with this cover letter, feel free to hire me for an internship and I will devote myself to filing like you wouldn’t believe someone who subsists entirely on Ramen Noodles could be capable of. It’s been a pleasure, I’d really love to discuss my qualification with you in further detail. (But please don’t ask about my qualifications.)
Someone who hopes you can’t smell their desperation.