What My Cover Letter Should Have Said
To Whom it May Concern:
I recently graduated from college with a GPA that is without a doubt going to be the only impressive part of my resume and if that doesn’t impress you, you should probably stop reading now to avoid the humiliation I will surely suffer in trying to make my useless summer jobs and work experience sound like something worthwhile.
No?
You’ll continue?
Great, let’s get this over with.
Perhaps the most important quality I would bring to the position is a genuine love for reading and writing. (This, at least, is true). Please hire me because I like books. Yes, so do four-year-olds, I know. But I REALLY like them. WAH. I am especially excited about applying to (insert name of company which I just had to click back three times to the website of to finish spelling) because I very much admire the works you publish. I read an essay by Joan Didion once and she’s the only name I recognize on your website–but I really do admire her and I promise to read more of her should I be granted an interview!
And now, this is where it really gets fun.
I worked for three years as an office assistant so I have lots of valuable office experience. I can make copies–get this–as fast as the copy machine will make them for me! I can push a button to send faxes and I can even enter data online.
My interpersonal skills are fantastic, ask my coworkers! They got me a cake for my birthday every year! Never mind that everyone got one!
I can use Microsoft Word and Excel if by “use Microsoft Word and Excel” you mean I can type? And so as you can see, I am fully prepared and excited about entering the professional world. (Just let me take down all the photos of me dancing on tables for a quick sec.)
If all of this sounds pathetic to you, please do not allow me to get anywhere near you so that I do not infect your office with sadness. I will continue to embarrass myself to every company I can find online until someone is impressed that I can speak rudimentary German and aced Intro to Creative Writing.
If you’ve suffered a momentary lapse in judgment and find yourself taken with this cover letter, feel free to hire me for an internship and I will devote myself to filing like you wouldn’t believe someone who subsists entirely on Ramen Noodles could be capable of. It’s been a pleasure, I’d really love to discuss my qualification with you in further detail. (But please don’t ask about my qualifications.)
Sincerely,
Someone who hopes you can’t smell their desperation.