1. You become a time traveler.
You essentially float in a state of befores and afters. You are the in between, the now. You reminisce and infuriate yourself in the memories of your relationship. You bask in the warmth of the love you shared and then burn in the heat of the anger of your loss. You distract yourself and try to focus on the future, the future without them. You think of the new doors that open after he stepped out of yours. Look at all the things you can do now that you aren’t a +2. You are free and yet…
2. You get sick.
Heartache is a real disease let me tell you. You become lethargic and your mind isn’t running at full capacity anymore. It feels like you have a cold just without the physical symptoms. You just don’t feel like doing anything. Your illness randomly spikes as you tremble in pain when you remember that you are definitely missing a crucial piece inside of you. Maybe it’s your body trying to recover from your loss. Like a lost limb or a surgery, your body needs time to recover. You must suffer before you’re whole once again.
3. It’s like you’re in preschool again.
I felt like my mind was so overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that what I truly needed was to dumb down my life and just start from the beginning…the beginning beginning. I found that doing repetitive hands-on tasks soothing and relaxing. I ended up finding that bracelet making was just the right amount of “simple” needed to keep my mind occupied and my hands busy…and away from any electronic devices that would allow me to send that one fatal message. Like most people, you return back to the basics—what you feel is most natural to your body. For some, it’s plunging head first into work or throwing their feelings at lyric or story writing. Whatever it is, you go back to what is you because sometimes, you feel like you’ve lost a part of it.
4. You unravel and unwind.
Unravelling begins at the beginning or maybe a little after. It didn’t hit me that someone so intimately entwined in my life was gone. When I realized this, I slowly began to unravel. My armor cracked as I became a sobbing horrific mess. No amount of chocolate would help. I felt horribly vulnerable, and I couldn’t keep myself from unravelling more and more. It’s hard to remain strong when you’re slowly being stripped of all that kept you upright.
Unwinding starts after when you’re ready…or not. You’ve spent weeks, months, or years developing this relationship and now that hard work, those tears and hugs and fights and kisses all start to crumble and turn to ash. It’s not to say that it never happened, but it surely seems like it never did. As you two grow apart (or try to remain friends), your relationship unwinds as you reverse back to the state of friendship you two once were, or an even further rewind back to a time when the two of you were merely strangers.
5. You are a pilot.
The thing about relationships is that each and every one is created to teach you all the little bits of happiness you can bring into your life. You are a pilot in your life. You are the only one in the control room. While you may have had a partner to handle the dips and spikes in altitude, you’ve been trained for this. You know how to rise again. While other people can bring you happiness, only you can bring the most happiness in your life. Fly, not because you have to, but because I know you can.