An absurd little skit of 21st Century domestic chaos
Dandy and Lion are asleep in bed. Dandy wakes suddenly and sits up. She turns to Lion who’s head is buried under a small blanket. She watches him sleep. Listens to him. As he inhales he makes a sort of snorting sound and then as he exhales he whistles. Completely blank faced, Dandy suddenly lunges on top of Lion and rips the blanket from his face.
Lion wakes with a loud grunt, and as if a knee jerk reaction, he maintains his grasp of the blanket and fights back. A moment of tension pursues as they tug of war.
Dandy suddenly drops her end of the blanket and gets up off the bed.
LION: Good morning, Dandy.
LION: Why would you do that?
DANDY: Why would I do that? “Why”, Lion?? Because it disgusts me that I’m living with a man who still sleeps with his baby “Blanky”. Because the very sound of your whistly, piggy, crackly snore is enough to make me wanna vomit, and because I don’t think I want to be with you anymore.
Lion slowly gets up and sits on the end of the bed.
LION: Are you saying that if I stopped sleeping with Blanky then your feelings would change?
DANDY: That would only account for one third of the problem.
LION: (dismissing her as he gets dressed) Oh, who’s doin’ the math?
DANDY: The snore making me want to vomit part and the fact that I don’t want to be with you. Kind of major. Do you have any idea how gross the sounds that you make when you sleep are? No, you don’t ‘cos you’re sleeping. And you’re not subject to such base vulgarities because I don’t snore. Eh. I don’t even like the look of you anymore. I’m sorry but I don’t. I have no desire in the world to touch you let alone kiss you. And I’m still young, I’m 32, I’m at my peak, I should be having multiple orgasms in the shower in the mornings, and be surprised by French baguette and cheese picnics on Sundays. I mean, I can’t remember the last time we had sex that wasn’t missionary.
LION: Ok then.
DANDY: Ok, what?
LION: Ok then, we should break up.
LION: I’ll pack some things and sleep at my folks place until I sort something out.
Lion pulls out a sports bag from the closet, carefully folds his Blanky and places it in the bag, and then begins packing his clothes.
Dandy stands in the centre of the room, completely still, watching him.
DANDY: I had a horrible dream. It was about you. You were just horrible to me, Lion.
Lion continues packing.
LION: Well good thing it was just a dream.
DANDY: But it felt real. I woke up trembling and I wanted so bad to wake you up and for you to hold me and make it all go away—
LION What did I do?
DANDY: We were in this country house, like in the woods at your dads—
LION: But my dad lives in Brentwood—
DANDY: Shhh. It was Mitchell’s dad’s place. You sorta morphed into Mitchell and we were at his dad’s place.
LION: Who’s Mitchell?
DANDY: My second true love. He was 19 and I was 20, remember?
LION: Oh. So I didn’t really do it to you, Mitchell did. Hang on, do what?—
DANDY: —But energetically you and Mitchell are the most alike, remember? I told you that. It’s the poetic, slightly hopeless thing about you both. Adorable but tragic thing. Anyway, you had this younger girl come visit and she had dark brown hair even though you said that you’d never be with a girl with dark brown hair again and you told me that I had to be Ok with it and then you and her went into the bedroom and you closed the door.
Dandy is becoming quite emotional.
DANDY: Like, you did that to me, Lion. It broke my heart.
LION: But I didn’t do it, it was a dream.
DANDY: But you have it in you to do it, that’s what’s important. That’s the tragedy.
Lion zips up his sports bag and throws it over his shoulder.
LION: Well, I’m sorry that the dream version of me did that to you, Dandy. Maybe some valium and Judge Judy?
Lion heads to the door.
DANDY: Don’t patronize me.
Lion stops in the doorway.
LION: I’m not. You’re in a state and those two things usually calm you down.
DANDY: Why are you leaving so soon?
LION: Because you asked me to. Because we’ve broken up.
DANDY: But…you…you haven’t even had your coffee or peanut paste on toast, you haven’t watered the plants—
LION: I’ll water them on my way out.
He turns again to leave.
DANDY: But what about tomorrow?
LION: Can you water them from tomorrow, Dandy? Suzie needs three cups and Spike will be fine with a cup every other day.
DANDY: But Lion…maybe if you did agree to stop sleeping with Blanky then my feelings would change.
LION: I gave it to you missionary because that’s the only way you said you could cum.
DANDY: I’m sorry I was so mean. Will you cuddle me now? Will you put your bag down and come here and give me a big hug?
LION: I don’t think so, Dandy. You said it yourself, you have no desire in the world to touch me.
DANDY: I was angry. You cheated on me with that brunette girl in the dream and then I woke and you were buried under Blanky making those squeaking noises and I couldn’t take it.
LION: I think you did. I think you did mean those things and it’s Ok.
DANDY: No it’s not Ok. What’s “Ok”?
LION: You saying those things actually did me a favor. We’re not happy. And you know what? I’m young too. This could actually be good for me. Hell, I’m getting kinda tired of missionary myself—
DANDY: —But we are! We’re happy! What about our gummies and Netflix nights? What about the “brusha brush” song?
She sings and does Jan from Grease, while miming brushing her teeth.
DANDY: “Brusha brush brusha…Never knew I had a…”
Dandy looks desperately to Lion…
… But Lion is silent, he’s not joining in.
All of a sudden, Dandy breaks down into tears. She wails, collapsing on the floor and writhing like a morphing wild creature.
Lion continues to stand in the doorway watching this roar display for an uncomfortably long time.
Dandy is crying so hard that she is now hyperventilating and dry gagging.
Slowly, Lion lifts his sports bag off his shoulder and lowers it to the floor.