The Facebook Junkie
Are you all about FB? Really, are you?? Do you love a good 2 to 5 status updates a day? The Facebook Junkie see’s Facebook as an extension of themselves. They feel part of the “FB club”, thrive on the community of the platform and relish in witty, funny or cliquey posts and comments. In fact, the junky isn’t too picky about the quality of their participation, it’s the quantity that matters. They have the compulsion to check in with their cyber club between meetings, during meetings, while socialising (with real friends), when they wake up in the middle of the night to pee, probably in the middle of love making… Pretty much as often as humanly possible. They’re the first to ‘like’ someone else’s post and if they aren’t then they will sure as hell come up with some fabuloso comment to knock it out of the park. Most of all, Facebook to the Junkie is fun fun fun! (Let’s hope life is just as fun in their real world.)
The Facebook Opportunist
If you only value Facebook as a platform for professional gain, you probably fall into this category. Undoubtedly, FB provides some of the best free advertising known to man. The Facebook Opportunist knows this and works it. It may be that they’re promoting an independent film, launching an online business or that their band is playing at a certain venue this Friday night; the Facebook opportunist will shamelessly post the balls out of that enterprise until everyone of their 1057 friends have gotten the point. These guys tend to participate only moderately, if at all, in frivolous FB banter. Who has time for that? There’s work to be done people!
The Facebook Baby-centric
Thank you for the minute to minute updates on your baby’s daily progress. “Baby smiling!”, “baby eating!”, “baby sleeping… awww :)”, “baby riding doggy!”, “baby on the potty”, “look what baby made for me!”, “me and baby!”, “BABYYY!!!”. No rrreally<, thank you.
The Facebook Voyeur
You know who you are… We can’t see you (although that little “online 15 minutes ago” down the side tab is a dead give away) but you’re sure as hell lookin’ at us. The Facebook Voyeur is the snake in the grass. They don’t want to participate but they spend hours scrolling through other peoples photos and posts without leaving a trail (no “likes” or comments). In fact, the Voyeur is so attentive, that when in conversation with another FB-er, they’ll sometimes slip up unwittingly and reveal a piece of information that they could only have discovered by snooping around the other party’s wall. Look out for the snake in the grass, that’s all I’m saying…
The Facebook Self-Helper
“Gratitude is the pathway to true happiness. Today I’m grateful for all of YOU!” Sound familiar? The Self Helper is light years away from the kind of ironic banter familiar to many Facebookers. They are earnestly on the path to “helping” themselves and believe it to be their duty to help others along the way. Well maybe “duty” is a little arch. They feel compelled to share the teaching that they are currently meditating on. My little theory on the Self Helper is that their yearning for the ‘light’ is informed by, perhaps, a recent period of ‘darkness’. This would explain the earnestness. And I must say, for ALL those helpful posts, “I am grateful”.
The Facebook Could Give a Shit-er
These guys are the cool cats of social media. You know, the “I only check my Facebook once every week or so”-ers? They’re often the ones who resisted joining Facebook because they saw right through the whole egotistical, trivial, signing away ones anonymity bullshit. But they finally joined – not because it means anything to them – but because it doesn’t. So yeah, they could give a shit.