The Chronicles Of Dandy And Lion, Part 2

An absurd little skit of 21st Century domestic chaos. Read Part 1 here.

Dandy and Lion lay in bed. Dandy’s bedside lamp is still on.

DANDY: Lion?

LION: Go to sleep Dandy-pandy.

DANDY: I can’t sleep, I’m nervous.

LION: Don’t be nervous. You got nothing to do tomorrow but watch season 4 of ‘Homeland’.

DANDY: I’m nervous about my existence. I’m worried I wont matter, that I don’t matter. And that when I die no one will notice.

LION: I will.

DANDY: No, no one but you. You know what I mean.

LION: Well maybe you should make an effort to make friends.

DANDY: I have friends.

LION: You have a few.

Dandy pauses and then rolls over to face Lion.

DANDY: Have you been judging me all this time Lion? Have you been judging me for preferring to ponder amongst the cacti in our backyard and cook chilli for you and sing while you eat it and watch Netflix in bed with gummies and that peach ice-tea you get me from the 7/11?

LION: No.

DANDY: Would you rather I met up with my โ€œgirlfriendsโ€ and had manicures and gossiped about the Kardashians and micro penisโ€™ and drank vodka cranberries?

LION: No.

DANDY: Are you a silent judger Lion?

LION: Not a judger and wouldn’t wish a micro penis on you.

Beat.

DANDY: Good. Cos being unemployed has made me vulnerable enough – I don’t need an audience witnessing my squirming. Besides, you’re the only person in the world I really like, which may be weird to you but if you were smart you’d use it to your favor. I know you’re more social-able than me, Lion, with your gym friends and what not, but in truth, I’d be happy bunkering under this duvet with you and a packet of Pringles for the rest of my life.

Beat.

LION: Bacon Ranch or Chile and Lemon?

DANDY: Huh?

LION: The Pringles.

DANDY: Oh… your choice.

Beat.

DANDY: And I wasn’t talking about friends anyway. I was talking about the bigger picture. Society, history, the world. I always saw myself as a contender. As someone who would make an impact and who stood out as a one of a kind. An original. The sorta person who invents things or discovers something before anyone else. The kinda person who’s name would come up from time to time in history class and who people write about โ€“ you know, an article here and there or a biography. The sorta person who has their picture taken.

Beat.

LION: You wanna be an actress?

DANDY: No Lion! I’m a botanist and I wanna get work as a botanist and be the best, most original, most progressive, most sought after, most headliner-ish botanist in the northern hemisphere.

LION: Oh.

DANDY: My greatest fear is to be obsolete. To be insignificant. Which to me is to not exist.

LION: Well, you do exist and if I can be honest, I think you’re over thinkings things because you’re pre-menstrual and because it’s late and because, as you’ve already admitted once or twice before, you get off on darkness and melancholia. Just saying.

DANDY: SHUT UP LION YOU HAVE A JOB YOU HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP AND YOU HAVE MORE THAN 3 FIENDS THAT AREN’T PLANTS!!

Pause.

LION: I’m really tired Dandy and yes I have a job that I have to wake up for and get to in the morning. Bonsoir.

Lion rolls over.

Beat.

DANDY: Do you love me?

LION: Yes.

DANDY: How much?

LION: Uh… 73.

DANDY: Oh…

LION: Out of 45, don’t beat yourself up.

Dandy smiles and then dives on-top of him showering him with kisses.

DANDY: I love you so much I could squeeze you to death and eat you alive!!

She collapses on-top of him, which is awkward cos she’s larger than he is.

LION: But I’d be dead.

DANDY: Huh?

LION: Well you’d have to choose between the squeezing to death bit and the other part cos one kinda cancels out the other.

DANDY: Can you breathe?

LION: No.

DANDY: Then why don’t you say something?

LION: Because you smell nice and because I feel like I’m back in the womb.

Dandy rolls off and regards him.

DANDY: You’re such a nice person, Lion. That’s why you have friends and a good job and are respected at the gym. Karma’s really got your back.

LION: You could come to the gym too, you know? I’d introduce you.

DANDY: Ya?

LION: I’m tired lover, can we go to sleep now?

DANDY: OK lover, you win.

Dandy switches off her bedside lamp.

A moment of silence.

DANDY: Li?

LION: (half asleep) hmmm…?

DANDY: What’s the shorthand for โ€œcutโ€?

LION: Control X.

DANDY: Oh. OK.

Beat.

LION: And it’s called a shortcut.

DANDY: OK.

Beat.

DANDY: Lion?

LION: Mmm…

DANDY: I do have something to do tomorrow. I’m having a paps-mere. Which is awkward coz I’m un-waxed and humiliating for obvious reasons but it’s been 2 years so it’s the right thing to do.

Lion has fallen asleep.

DANDY: Goodnight grizzly Lion. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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