ANIMALS: The Chronicals Of Dandy And Lion

An obsurd little skit of 21st Century domestic chaos

LION, a small man dressed in sweats, comes home carrying shopping bags to find DANDY, a larger woman dressed in old men’s pajamas, in a ‘state’.

LION: (playfully, theatrically) Honey, I’m home!!

DANDY: Close the door! Quick! You’re letting in a gust!

LION: I’ve only just opened it, chill.

DANDY: “Chill, chiiilll!!”

LION: Whoa…! everything OK?? I got you Nutella.

DANDY: If you can call 32 rejections in 24 hours on careerbuilder.com “OK”… And piss off, I don’t need you fattening me up for confinement.

LION: It was on the list…! Confinement? Chill.

DANDY: CHILLLL… “I’m a gym bunny now everybody, I’M SO CHIIILLLED..!!”

LION: Stop it. You’re spitting saliva all over the plasma. Why don’t you take a bath.

Lion begins to unpack groceries. Dandy throws a couple of kitchen towels over the plasma TV, opens a drawer beneath the TV and takes out a small TIN.

LION: Whydya do that? I was gonna watch that.

DANDY: Mediocrity depresses me. Read a book.

LION: Get a job.

DANDY: I would. It’s not my fault I’m a —

DANDY/LION: – Botanist.

Their eyes meet.

LION: Yeah, I know. But there’s a job opening down at Starbucks.

DANDY: I’m too old.

LION: No you’re not.

DANDY: I don’t drink coffee.

LION: But you eat muffins.

DANDY: I have a university degree.

Beat.

Maintaining Lion’s gaze, Dandy pulls out a pre-rolled JOINT from the TIN and lights it.

Beat.

LION: What are you doing?

DANDY: What does it look like I’m doing?

LION: It looks like you’re smoking a joint.

DANDY: That’s precisely what I’m doing Lion.

Beat.

LION: Well… Can you take it outside?

DANDY: It’s blowing a gail.

LION: And you’re blowing smoke. Can you take it outside?

DANDY: ‘Doctor said cold was bad for my arthritis.

LION: And how about cannabis?

DANDY: Good for anxiety.

LION: I’d like you to put it out.

DANDY: I’d like you to drink full-cream milk.

LION: Put it out Dandy.

DANDY: No.

Beat.

LION: Where d’ya get it?

DANDY: I know people.

LION: Where d’ya get it?

DANDY: (coyly) There are things about me that you don’t know Mister.

LION: Dandy.

DANDY: You seem to forget I’m a plant professional, Lion.

LION: I don’t like your tone today.

DANDY: Well I don’t like your sweat pants but I was gonna keep that to myself.

LION: You’re high.

DANDY: You’re sly.

LION: Take a bath.

DANDY: Don’t you like me dirty?

LION: Take a bath.

DANDY: I don’t like your dick.

LION: What?

DANDY: You heard me.

LION: What?

DANDY: You heard me.

LION: What did you say?

DANDY: I. Don’t. Like. Your. Dick.

Beat.

LION: So this is about that.

Beat.

LION: Come here and kiss me.

DANDY: How much are you gonna pay?

LION: 30 minutes in-between your legs.

DANDY: No in dollars. I’m broke and I need things.

LION: What things? I just bought us a whole week of groceries.

DANDY: Like today I wanted a Rolo.

LION: A what?

DANDY: Yeah, ya see? It wasn’t on the list. Those little chocolates piled up on one another. I knew I needed at least two dollars so I found myself crawling around the bedroom floor searching for pennies, worming my way under the bed like a smacky scrambling for scraps.

LION: Did you get one?

DANDY: (shaking her head) It was humiliating.

LION: Come here and kiss me.

DANDY: I want a new dress.

LION: You have a dress.

DANDY: I want a new one.

LION: What dress?

DANDY: It’s red.

LION: Where d’ya see it?

DANDY: On shopbop.

LION: How much?

DANDY: 250.

LION: 250.

DANDY: On sale.

Beat.

LION: Ok, I’ll pay you 325. That way you can buy some high heels. I use to like you in high-heels.

DANDY: On sale.

LION: Your slender ankles…

DANDY: I know just the pair.

LION: To match your dress.

DANDY: My rate’s just gone up.

LION: 325.

DANDY: 340. You got a deal.

Beat.

LION: For a hundred and three kisses then. Deal.

Beat.

DANDY: I like the way your eyes look as though you have mascara or eyeliner or whatever around them but you don’t. You’re handsome Li, a real natural. I don’t tell you enough.

Beat.

I’ll take that bath now.

She exits. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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