1. The sexual tension between us has built up over the final few months of my relationship so, of course, you were the first one I ran to when I was brutally dumped via text message. Honestly, I was disappointed. You were all talk and no game and after a few two many vodka shots in your musty basement I suffered through your cigarette breath and what you claimed was “average” sized penis until I drunkenly cried myself to sleep while you snored like an animal next to me. By the way, I’d like my ex’s sweatshirt back because its comfy and your man-boobs show through it. Please and thanks.
2. Damn you were a smoke show. I’m not even sure how I managed to get myself into your bed but I give myself high five for that one. You were my best friend’s brother’s best friend. Off limits right? Apparently not since my bff insisted we stay the night because she had her eye on your roommate. She then decided that you were the one she wanted but you already had your mind made up. Not only are you singlehandedly the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen, but you are the only guy who managed to get me off with a micropenis, so for that, I applaud you. The next morning my ego was through the roof and for a split second I forgot my ex existed, so thank you. Also, thanks for the t-shirt.
3. Wow I must’ve been feeling real vulnerable the night I supposedly met you, and I say it like that because I don’t remember a damn thing. You’re the kind of guy that makes a girl realize they’ve hit rock bottom, that they should stop drunkenly hooking up with rando’s and get their life together… every girl except for me. I saw this as a minor slip-up and all I had to do was redeem myself by hooking up with someone better. It wasn’t even about my ex anymore, you were the one I was worried about. Since I don’t know what you look like other than the horrific descriptions my friends gave me, I figure it’s better that you and your face stay a mystery. Hopefully my beer goggles will never make a mistake like this ever again.
4. You definitely made up for #3 and it was fun walking around work pretending we didn’t go at it the night before. You were the worst rebound though because you resembled my ex to a T. Both tall dark and handsome with curly brown hair and big brown eyes but for the past two years, my ex and I played the same let’s-pretend-we-don’t-know-each-other-at-work-but-bang-on-the-weekends game. Talk about déjà vu. You were a great bootycall until you all of the sudden started dating that easy blonde we worked with. I’ll never forget our sexcapades, not because they were that memorable, but because of that crazy night in the lifeguard stand that left repulsive scars on my knees. Definitely worth it though.
5&6. Two words; Bacardi and Lifeguards. Lifeguards are one of my two greatest weaknesses (I’ll mention the other one later). Now #1 and #4 were also lifeguards, but not beach patrol lifeguards, there’s just something about them that draw me to them. One of my guy friends brought me to one of his exclusive lifeguard parties and that’s where I officially met you #5. I’ve seen (drooled over) you on the beach but my 6 rum and sodas dared me to talk to you aka get let down by you on a pullout couch in the back room. Later that night, I offered to share my bed on the pullout couch (yes, the same one from #5) and you decided to repay me by charming me into suffering through 45 minutes of you and your whiskey dick sweating all over me. To make things better, the only thing separating us from the rest of the party was a big GLASS door. Fuck me, right? …Literally. The thing that really threw me off though was that you didn’t even end up sleeping with me. Like, where did you even go? This was my rock bottom. Two guys in one night isn’t something to be proud of, it’s shameful.
7. You were a solid FWB for about a year and a half, obviously pausing for the duration of my relationship, and you’re still there for me when I need you. Although, if you keep up with this feelings crap I’m going to have to let you go. You never disappointed me, not even that one time you lasted 90 seconds. The only problem I face with you is that trying to hold a conversation with you is like puling teeth so alcohol helps. Adding alcohol to the mix makes your sheer stupidity and dull personality tolerable.
8. You were my last attempt before I left for school at “forgetting” my ex, as if completely erasing the two years we knew each other was even an option. I didn’t even have any intentions of making you my #8 until I showed up at your house with a bottle and a friend expecting a house party and realized the “party” was you and your buddy drinking beers and watching TV. So, I did what any rational person would do and drank until everything seemed a little less awkward. You weren’t much more than another shitty one-night stand added to the list. The only thing keeping me from forgetting you is the fact that I broke my foot, sprained my ankle, and reopened the horrendous knee wounds from #4 while doing my walk of shame down your stairs the next morning. The passing families pretended not to notice the half-naked girl laying on the sidewalk with blood pouring down her legs.
9. A HUGE thank-you for ending my 6-week long dry spell. The first time I came over, we only made it to third base, but you and your god-like physique left me begging for more. Unfortunately, your penis didn’t work the wonders your mouth did. I later found out that you were also disappointing my best friend. You may pretend you don’t know me, but remember, I’ve seen you naked.
10. Honestly, I don’t have much to say about you because the whole night was a blur. What I do remember is the thing that got me into bed with you…ladies and gentlemen, weakness number 2…you were a rower (#9 was also a rower). For years I’ve heard that curved penises existed and I never believed it, until I saw yours. Congratulations, you and your deformity made me believe.
11. You were destructive, obnoxious, rude and a borderline alcoholic but you were also every girl’s weakness- a filthy rich mama’s boy with a dangerously cute smile. I wanted nothing to do with you after the first night but your persistence paid off and we kept up our “thing” for about 6 weeks. You charmed me into developing feelings for you, which I knew was dangerous, but of course, I didn’t listen to my conscience. Tell me how I went from the one rejecting him, to the one getting hurt in the end. This is what happens when I think with my vagina.
12. You came along when #11 was away for the weekend. (I know this sounds bad, but a girl has needs, ya know?) You were my bitch of a roommate’s ex-boyfriend so of course I had to test you out. You failed the test. Once things started to escalate, he got on top of me and started humping me like a dog. I was confused but then I realized that he was in and I didn’t even notice. It was so bad I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend I was enjoying it so I told him I felt sick and he needed to leave. This wouldn’t be too mortifying except you failed to mention that you were my friend’s roommate…who I also drunkenly made out with at a previous date.
13. Why you so obsessed with me? Seriously though, stop. I brought you home one night and woke up naked with a piece of pizza underneath me. Spoiler alert, I enjoyed the pizza more. The late-night texts and stalker stares across the room at parties need to end. We had our night and now it’s over. Please go away.
14. I knew from the minute I met you that we were going to be great friends. You were a tall awkward goofball, dripping with innocence…or so I thought. I was convinced you were a lonely virgin until you slept with my best friend and gave her the ride of her life (no pun intended). I of course had to see what all the fuss was about so I went against all of my morals and broke the chicks before dicks rule and let me tell you I’ve never regret anything less in my life. A night with you is like the ultimate Christian Grey experience if you catch my drift. I must admit I am a little disappointed though. Because of you, everything now is mediocre and dissatisfying.
15. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to hook up with people I went to high school with. You’re still that same cocky ass I was [barely] friends with in school and even though the stories I heard about your…talent… were all true, your douchey attitude counteracted your skill making it a completely lackluster experience. You’re the kind of guy that’ll tell a girl exactly what she wants to hear to get what you want. Then, once you get what you want, you’re over it and move onto the next victim. Hopefully next time I won’t fall for your pathetic games.