What Not To Do When You’re My Intern

Do not friend me on Facebook. Do not follow me on Twitter. Do not send me YouTube videos.

Do not ask if you can be more involved in what I’m doing. Not even I am involved in what I’m doing. So why should you get to be?

Do not express intellectual dissatisfaction with the filing I gave you. Do not sigh audibly. I did not choose to have you here, and not having to file these clips myself is the only chance I have to make you useful.

Do not flirt with the cute male assistant in our department. Odds are I’ve slept with him and it’s awkward between us. He’s only talking to you to hurt me.

Do not eat food near me that has any discernible smell. In fact, don’t eat food near me ever. Take a whole hour for lunch. Take two. I am sick of thinking up projects to occupy your time and justify your existence.

Do not talk about how monumental and life-affirming, yet scary but also kind of sad it is to be a rising senior. My eyes are bloodshot from rolling them so hard. Fuck you.

Do not attempt to ingratiate yourself with me and my coworkers by laughing when we laugh. We weren’t talking to you.

Do not talk to my boss. Definitely don’t talk to my boss’ boss. I’ve been trying to think of clever things to say to him in the hallway for two years and if you make him laugh, you will make me cry.

Do not show up early.

Do not stay late. You may think this is the type of thing potential employers “notice,” but they don’t. Those people have left already. Only I notice, and it annoys me.

Do not be thinner or tanner than me. Also do not come from a more supportive, wealthy family, or go to a better school than I did.

Do not talk about the internships you’ve had before this internship. Definitely don’t talk about how you want my job after this internship. Or “you know, not YOUR job, but … a job like yours.” Did I mention that you should never ever talk to my boss?

Do not tell me about the business and motivational books you are reading.

Do not email “You’re welcome.”

Do not take planking photos on the coffee makers in the communal kitchen. TC mark

image – The Intern

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  • Johna

    sooo basically dont do anything? 

  • Mbanoo

    “My eyes are bloodshot from rolling them so hard. Fuck you.” best line

  • Wak

    lame

  • Guest

    How to Sound Bitter

  • myka mallillin

    Do not bring me coffee unless you already know the type that I drink.

    • A.

      I’m sorry, there’s two pumps of vanilla in this?! I said one and a half. Please go get me a new cup. Make it right this time.

  • Julia Kath

    aha… well, I’m ashamed to say that I am reading this at my internship presently… and I’m early – hence the TC time-killer. Shit. I should pack up shouldn’t I, and come back once my boss is here. Fuck me.

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    You are delightful. *chuckle*

  • Damo.

    isn’t being an intern peachy?

  • Poonam

    Who the fuck would want to intern for you when you sound this cunty? REAL TALK. 

  • Sam

    Don’t you just sound peachy. 

  • Belle

    I am laughing so hard.

  • a lowly intern

    do not apply to be my intern

  • Guest

    This is the opposite of an internship. I wish you would post the name of your company so everyone knows who NOT to work with (if the rest of your team has your attitude)

  • frbldrbl

    Do not write articles that are a total waste of time in which you spew stupid angry bullshit because you’re an insecure hormonally challenged cunt. 

    Do get a job that doesn’t involve me having to hear or see any of the useless cultural dumpster juice that comes out of your head.

  • Anon

    don’t intern for someone who writes their bio in third person

    • guest

      Bios are always in the third person.

  • http://mannaarie.tumblr.com/ Manna Arie

    You sound like an unhappy person. Also, fuck internships.

  • Bawalter1

    You’re a rancid bitch. Fire your intern and do your own damn filing.

    • RESIT

      you are all guests in this area. Always say what you mean an d mean what you say. This is a tough world and you have to fit in.  Your experience has an important thing to say.  What are you going for? Where do you want to be? how much money do you want to make? Listen to me carefully…..do what you want that makes you happy, that is what life is all about. Get real and do it??????????MAYBE 

  • gm

    I love you.

  • douchegirl

    Lighten up, everyone. We always hear about how hard internships are on interns but we never get to hear the other side. 

    Good article. I enjoyed it. 

    • jc

      Except the difference being that the intern probably isn’t getting paid (or at least not much), and it seems that this bitch is getting paid to make the intern’s life hell.

      • guest

        Yeah. Assistants really rake it in. 

  • Brianna1990

     You work in NYC, no wonder you’re so awful and bitter

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emily-Tugwell/1193606623 Emily Tugwell

    Thank god I don’t intern for this woman. My boss definitely doesn’t give a shit about any of this (minus the flirting and planking I guess). This is a great example of someone that you shouldn’t intern for. The main point of an internship is to learn/gain experience, so you want to work for someone that is willing to teach you a few things and mentor you somewhat, let alone actually talk to you.

    Also, I agree with JC. This intern probably isn’t getting paid. That being said, screw unpaid internships. Trust me, just get an actual paid job and then volunteer.

  • matt

    I’d love to virginia smack you in the face 

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    Pull that stick outta yr ass!

  • You Suck

    How To be a Raging Cunt

    You’re life must be pretty awful that an intern actually making an effort to work hard is so offensive to you.

    • Cjreed3

      your*

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivanavi Ivan Dutton

    Right on! I love this. As an intern you can totally relate to all of this. You’re writing makes me want to be your friend. Our evil minds think alike.

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