A 12-Step Recipe To Lead An Utterly Miserable Life
1. Start by complaining about absolutely everything, except when it is really important to make yourself heard. In that case, keep your mouth shut for extra flavor.
2. While preparing this concoction, remember you should never, ever make a mistake. If you do make a mistake, you can still salvage it by not admitting you were wrong (not even to yourself).
3. Sprinkle with endless obsessions about the past (if they include regrets, all the better). Add some excruciating worries about the future. If they are unfounded and absurd, all the better.
4. Adding forgiveness to the mix will turn it into a disgusting mess, so you should avoid forgiving others. Forgiving yourself or asking for forgiveness when you were wrong will bring equally nasty results.
5. Self-acceptance does not go well with this recipe. On the other hand, perpetually wishing to be a totally different person will add a delicious touch to your dish.
6. While you are making it, you should concentrate on the fact that everybody else is the root of your problems, and also the ones responsible for making you happy. If, while you are making it, you think you are to blame for anything, or that you are responsible for your own happiness, I can assure you that this dish will have an awful taste. On the contrary, seasoning it with the firm belief that everyone else (but you) has to change and that you can, in fact, be the one to change them, will add some extra flavor. This is why you should stir it while investing your time in reforming and criticizing other people instead of changing your own attitude.
7. While you are cooking, remember not to add any thankful thoughts, not even for the small things in life. You should only add pessimistic thoughts and you should not try to change the things you dislike about life.
8. In fact, for this dish to taste heaven-like, you should give up before even starting.
9. While making this, take life extremely seriously. Get depressed or angry over petty things. Convince yourself that what makes you feel blue now will still worry you thirty years from now.
10. It is forbidden to cry, or show love, respect, or admiration. Your emotions should only come to the surface when you finally snap.
11. Take a bowl, add hatred, grudges, jealousy, envy, selfishness and lies and mix well. Add to the concoction and let it rest.
12. Serve cold.
This is the best known recipe for living an utterly miserable life, one that is full of sadness, frustration and unhappiness. And the most alarming thing is, we all follow at least one of these steps to the letter.