1. Enid (“Ghost World”)
She may wear a cynical exterior, but deep down inside, Enid is just like the rest of us, striving towards self-realization whilst trapped in a lame suburb full of vacuous people — a world of “ghosts,” if you will. I like to imagine that the bus at the end of the movie takes Enid to Brooklyn, where a new chapter in her life begins. Off Craigslist, she gets a cheap sublet in my building, where I find her sitting on our stoop, grumbling about the normals. Having left Rebecca behind to her bourgie tarpit of Kmarts and Starbuckses, Enid has no friends, so I offer to take her to all my favorite indie bars and cool music venues. Flashing me a rare smile, she says sure — but first she’s got to dye her hair another crazy color! With her chic glasses and spunky attitude, dating Enid is the closest I could ever get to dating Daria in real life, not just in the realm of my acclaimed fan fiction.
2. Juno MacGuff (“Juno”)
Juno may have found an ideal man in Paulie Bleeker, but I think I could give Paulie a run for his money. He might have the looks, but I’ve got the charm that comes with age and experience. For example, would he know which Williamsburg bars don’t card? I doubt it, and a wild child like Juno is bound to want to get into some illegal fun. I wouldn’t really take her to a bar though (it’s a liability for the bar owners and could ruin the years of credibility I’ve built up with local bartenders if the bar were raided while she was there) but I know some awesome all-ages venues in Bushwick where we could spend the night listening to underground bands in a rad non-alcoholic environment. Oh, and by the way, I’d be sure to teach Juno the importance of safe sex.
3. Knives Chau (“Scott Pilgrim vs. the World”)
Most people would go for Ramona Flowers, but me? Pass up the chance to date a super cute Asian girl who is into cool indie rock music? Muri desu! On our dream date, I would take Knives to an independent record store (which, by the way, still exist here in Brooklyn!) and impress her with my knowledge of all the hottest post-punk revival bands. Then I’d casually pull up my wallet full of Groupon deals and let the lady decide which Oriental fusion restaurant or Midtown spa she wants to get 75% off at. We’d end the day at sunset holding hands down Battery Park and sharing stories of how the post-9/11 political climate is bullshit. You can be my fan, Knives. I wouldn’t mind — I already have hundreds on Tumblr.
Honorable Mention: That Chinese girl from “Rushmore”
4. Deb (“Napoleon Dynamite”)
Deb’s pretty quirky with her asymmetrical pigtail and keychain-making hobby, but I’ve always been attracted to girls who live outside of mainstream society’s expectations of femininity. After all, I live in Williamsburg. I think it’s time Deb cast off the shackles of her mundane life in rural Idaho and set out to conquer New York, where I could help her set up an Etsy page to sell her crafts. She also does professional photography and clearly has a great portfolio, so I’d help her meet an agent at a loft party or even just get some freelance gigs taking photos for magazines, no big deal. But in my honest opinion, Deb belongs in front of the camera, not just behind it.
5. Margot Tenenbaum (“The Royal Tenenbaums”)
Nothing turns me on more than a woman with a sullen attitude and world-weary mien. I view Margot as a challenge, someone whose eyes I could open up to the beauty and excitement of the world of North Brooklyn. Margot may have traveled the globe as a teen, lost a finger, and married multiple adventurous men — but has she ever been to the beer garden on Berry St.? Not if she’s been cooped up in her room in Manhattan (ugh!) this whole time. I’d set her free like Mordechai by taking her on the L train to a universe she’s never experienced before, a place where people aren’t all obsessed with professional success, a place where men let their facial hair grow long and women can wear whatever cute outfits they want. Maybe then she’d wipe the mascara out of her eyes and finally see a new reality, one that we members of the iGeneration are destined to create in their own image.
6. Lola (“Run Lola Run”)
Why is it that cool smart girls always go for scummy tough guys like Manni, and not nice guys who write thoughtful Tumblr posts about the societal ills of slut-shaming and friendzoning like me? Manni’s ineptitude caused Lola a whole mess of trouble. By contrast, I’d be someone who offered stability, a caring ear, and a raw sexual prowess that has long been waiting to be released upon any woman who would agree to it. After all Lola’s been through, she could use someone to treat her the way she deserves. With me, she won’t have to run anymore, or do very much physical activity at all. Also, I’d be willing to move to Berlin, because I hear it’s really cheap and cool there, and that German’s basically the same as English.
7. Gertrude Stein (“Midnight in Paris”)
Gil is a grade-A moron for hooking up with that floozy stuck dreaming about the past, when all along, a woman of raw creative power was right there in front of him. Why would you dream about the past, when everything we could ever want is right here in the present, in North Brooklyn? We have iPhones, taco trucks, a pool at McCarren park that’s occasionally safe to go to, and like a hundred hip bars. I would take Gertrude to a poetry open mic and encourage her to bare her passion to the world. Later, we would go to a dubstep show and take MDMA. In Gertrude, Woody Allen (director of “Scoop” and “Belinda and Belinda”) has crafted yet another strong, intelligent female heroine, as he is known to portray.
8. Lisa Simpson (“The Simpsons Movie”)
I know this isn’t an indie movie, but how could I make this list and fail to include one of most seminal and famous indie girls of all time? With intelligence, wit, and a sassy tongue, Lisa Simpson was the 90′s “it girl” who inspired the legions of smart, passionate girls you see walking down Bedford Avenue carrying Moleskines bursting with ideas for webcomics. I think Lisa and I would relate on a deep, spiritual level because of our similar upbringings, and because I know quite a bit about her family and the town she lives in. I also once modded an influential webring devoted to her.
9. Olive Hoover (“Little Miss Sunshine”)
I know what you’re thinking — she’s too young. But I don’t mean Olive as a little kid. I mean Olive as a 23-year-old who has just graduated with a liberal arts degree and decided to start a life in Brooklyn, far away from her shitty family. As an adult, Olive would detest beauty pageants and indeed most mainstream culture, such as professional sports and quote unquote reality television. Perhaps she and I would move in together and share a Netflix account, on which we would watch artistic, indie programs, such as HBO’s “Girls” and “Archer.” Together, we would huggle on the couch and lament the fact that people just aren’t as enlightened as we.